Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Mad At God

Good Morning Beloved Reader

I'm just going to get down to business with you all here today, because let me forewarn you this is a 
VERY LONG POST ahead!
Seriously, don't sit down for this bad boy unless you have a good cup of joe and lots o time on yer hands!
First, let me start with saying,
There is so much that I share with you here on a regular basis, but there is so much more that I don't.
The reason for this is because of God's Holy Spirit who gives me discernment. 
For some of you that sounds like mumbo jumbo churchy crap 
and 
For others of you, you're tracking and we can move on.
If you are in Group A. check out my post below and Go rent What About Bob.
If you are in Group B. walk with me please here for a minute or two, or maybe 20 ; )
I need your hand... 
Ok let's go...

This topic I knew was going to be a tricky one to convey my heart, but I'm hoping by sharing it with you all it might help someone else get to the end of this process a lot quicker than the 5 years it took me. 
I'm going to try and unpack a process of healing that has been 5 years in the making so stick with me, because there will be song, and dance, and rejoicing at the end. 

I realized something at the beginning of this brand new year,  and I don't want to scare you with this statement, but
I have been mad at God.
Not just that, but for 5 WHOLE years!!
Some of you are thinking you should be skipping onto the next blog quick like, and in a hurry so you don't get struck with lightening by my statement up there, but for those of you who aren't 
scurred 
(that's how we say scared )
Don't be Scurred.
Let me explain.
Around 2008 there was an onslaught of very difficult, traumatic things that happened to us and to those very near and dear around us. 
There was a
an infant death
a cancer
a divorce
an attempted suicide
a sleep deprived nervous breakdown
and finally the beginnings of a 
a foreclosure, our foreclosure, and well lots of other foreclosures
(foreclosure is such an ugly word don't cha think?)
all in the year 
2008. 
That was 5 years ago.
And there have been 
more deaths
more cancer
more divorces
thankfully no more suicide attempts
or sleep deprived nervous break downs,
but plenty more 
foreclosures in this past 5 years.
How many of you know that a lot, I mean A lot can happen in 5 years?
How many of you also know that 5 years can go by so very fast, and then again so very slow?
Do you have a 5 year old right now? Think back on 5 years ago when that person wasn't here.
Or maybe you were in High School and now you have graduated college and are fiercely trying to make it in the real world.
5 years can be brutal and seem like nothing all at the same time.
Or to put it another way, like a lifetime ago and all at the same time like it was yesterday.
Time is funny that way.
Back to the beginning of 2013, during an intense bible study with the Sistas,  I realized something very profound.
A very crucial part to my health and growth as a person, but mostly as a Christ follower was revealed to me as I was reading in the book of  Job.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I read this conversation that took place between God and Job after Job had gone through the most horrific series of events that I believe a person could ever go through. 
Seriously, like E-V-E-R!!

Job said to God,
"I know that you can do all things, and that no thought or purpose of Yours can be restrained or thwarted. You said to me, Who is this that darkens and obscures counsel by words without knowledge? Therefore, [I now see] I have [rashly] uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."  Job 42:2-3


What I was coming to understand was that Job having everything, and I DO mean everything taken away from him had a day of reckoning. This was that day. Where he said to God, I did not know, or I had not seen, the magnitude of what was going on here. He was talking about the bigger picture here. But, Job was only able to say this to God after God had revealed his heart and HIS very soul to Job.
Don't you want to hear from God's soul?
If you do want to see, to hear, to know, just a teeny tiny glimpse into the Creator of The Universe's soul
Please 
Read Job 40 and 41.

The profound conclusion that I came to was I believe one of Gods Sovereignty.
There have been, and I'm sure will continue to be, things in this life that I will never ever understand  the WHY behind. It doesn't make sense when, God can do all things,  that he allows for certain things to happen.
Now I have read Job 38, 39, 40 and 41 before and I sort of just thought of those chapters as being a spanking from God to Job, but this time, Oh this time beloved I understood them to be so much more.
God wasn't spanking Job with these words;
"Have you commanded the morning since your days began and caused the dawn to know its place."

"Have you explored the springs of the sea? Or have you walked in the recesses of the deep?"

"Can you hunt prey for the lion? Or satisfy the appetite of the young lions."
No. 

He was reminding Job of who HE was, is, and always will be.
Hebrews 13:8
He was in a sense saying to Job,
"I GOT THIS!"
"Trust ME, I GOT THIS!"

He was reminding Job of his Sovereignty.
Webster's defines Sovereignty as being 
Supreme Excellence.
There are not many things in this life that are excellent.
In fact the only excellent things I can think of all come from God.
The smell of a rose.
The dimples in a babies hand.
The sound of the rain.
The waves in the Ocean.
The sunrise.
The sunset.
The Supreme maker of Excellence.
EXCELLENCE~
1. The quality of being outstanding or extremely good.
Oh beloved reader if you don't already know this, I mean really KNOW this, let me just say to you now  The One True Living  God of the universe is so very, very, outstandingly, extremely good.
Every good and perfect gift comes from HIM and HIM alone.
He has plans and purposes ONLY EVER for good.
So although my infinite mind cannot wrap my brain around this kind of excellence it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
He never wanted death.
He never planned for disease.
He HATES divorce. (Just the action not the people)
And I'm pretty sure he doesn't like the word foreclosure either.

But, I only know this and can see this now because,
At the end of a very long and hard road I am finally seeing some of the bigger picture.
And I have only seen the bigger picture in part. I don't fully see it. In fact what little has been revealed is miniscule at best. But, what I can see, what I can make sense of ... well it's good.  Because of these recent revelations, I feel like my trust in God has been restored.


Did you know beloved reader that you can be a Christ-follower AND be mad at God?
Well, I'm here to tell you, you can but it doesn't really work out so well.
Being mad at God is strange. 
It's not like I was shaking my fist toward heaven and living a life of total drunken debauchery, although I have had my fair share of vino these past 5 years.
It was more like I had God at arms length because, well when you are mad at someone who you know you shouldn't be mad at that's kinda just what you do. 
You put a guard up.
You lay a wall down, brick by brick, stone by stone this is what I was doing.
 
 All the while I still loved Jesus.
I still sang worship songs.
I still prayed. 
I still went to church, although that was a challenge more than ever before.

I guess, 
I just didn't realize until now what it was exactly that was holding me back and now that I know with a very heavy, repentant heart I have asked God to forgive me. 
And you know what he said.

I already did.
Moving on from this place seems strange. 
A new found Trust in God has been given back to me, and I find myself weeping.
Weeping at the years that have gone by when I wasn't fully trusting HIM.
Weeping at the time spent being idle in my own fleshly desires.
Weeping at the mess I have made.
And do you know what He did about all of this.
He cleaned it up.
He reminded me that I'm only human.
I'm Not an angel.
I'm Not a demon.
I'm Human.
God made something very different from either devil or angel when he made us humans.
I have human feelings.
I have human actions.
I have human skin.
I have human eyes.
I have human ears.
I could only see and hear, and feel so much during this time of process and do you know what God says to all of that. 

 I KNOW who YOU are. 

That's so profound to think about.
HE knows what it's like to be fully human and fully God.
Jesus, the one true lover of my soul, knows me.
As I see and recognize only a part that is in Him, 
He sees and recognizes all that is in me.
He says, 
I've walked in your shoes.

Here's the happy ending folks.
I'm no longer Mad at God.
We are good.
Fer realz.
We are better than good, we are great, and  do want to know what I say to all of this...

well actually, I'm singing it;
 Bless The Lord O My Soul

13 comments:

Jess said...

I understand where your coming from, as I've had to overcome my own "anger & frustration" at God. Thank you for this post today cuz' it's lovely and refreshing and honest.

I was reading a book recently and it said to look at your life like a puzzle. Each phase, thing that happens, etc. is just a small piece and only God knows what the whole beautiful puzzle will look like. When I think of it like that, I can find peace in knowing that He holds all and uses every bad thing for His good - even if we never "see" it.

:)

Euskualduna said...

Oh my friend have I been down this road. I used to sit on the floor in my room staring out the windows and tell god off. I mean just chew him out. It started when I almost lost Benat. But that passed quick because Benat made it and was good. So I was good. Then the tumors, then the cancer. I was pissed at him all over again. How could he let my child make it and then take me away from him? How could he be so cruel. I was so MAD! So I did all I could do and that was to fight. But on those days when I was so tired I thought of him. And I found myself asking him for strength. And he helped. He helped me feel less alone, cause I knew he was there with me. Always. Then I was sad because I was so cruel to him. The things I had said and thought. But he stayed with me and I felt forgiven. And always loved. I am great full for him and all the things he has gone through WITH me...

No(dot dot)el said...

@ Jess- thank YOU so much for sharing with me and holding my hand as I put this out there. I love that analogy that you shared. It really is so very true. It really is amazing how God is able to turn ALL things for GOOD. That's a whole lotta bad things that somehow HE really does turn into really good things.

@ Euskualduna- Christeeny- you made me all weepy now. Boy HOWDY girl do YOU have a story to tell. A really, really, really amazingly GOOD story to tell. Your faith baby now a tweener, and your cancer free brain ... seriously brings tangible JOY to my heart and Your faith is so inspiring, AND I LOVE YOU!! So thankful that I get to walk out this faith journey with you.

Jess said...

AND I love that song, btw. It's one of those songs that just puts peace into your soul!

Jeni said...

That was an amazing tale, Noel. I love when you share your heart - you do it so beautifully. I know what you're saying. I had a period of time of being mad at God, too and over the last couple of years as I stopped fighting so hard against God and started letting Him have control, things have started to make sense and fall into place.

Rima said...

when i was going thru hardship, either by myself or with my family, i always remember the story of Job. He had the worst of the worst, YET his faith to God was incredible. He never lost hope. Awesome.

Patty said...

Thank you for baring your soul to us today, and letting us know we are not alone in our feelings. I think ALL of us, no matter what"church building" we go to, have felt this way at least once. Thanks for todays post.

No(dot dot)el said...

@ Jess I love this worship song so much. I think my favorite line is, "Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me let me be singing when the evening comes" because a lot can happen in 24 hours and my hearts cry is that I would still be praising God at the end of it all.

@Jeni-ha ha what a tale it was too, huh friend? Sheesh, you ladies that finished reading this eternal blog post are like champion, olympic readers here. Thank you for telling me that Jeni, I love hearing your heart as well because it's beautiful and always so very sincere. I'm thankful that God has brought you out of your anger phase too, and I'm thankful that we get to walk this faith out together. YOU are a gem!

@Rima- yes the book of Job... sigh... well it is just so rich, so full of life lessons and yes, Job was a faithful servant through and through. Did you know the whole reason why all that happened to him came about was because God was bragging about how great he was. I just recently had revelation of this in bible study. SO, crazy that God brags about us!! I have still so much to learn from Job and his life.

@Patty- Thank YOU for getting through that forever long post/journey with ME ;) I so appreciate the encouragement in your comment. And you are right, the building is just a building WE are the CHURCH and WE really do have more in common than I think WE even realize. xo

Jess said...

Yes! A lot can happen in even 5 minutes but if we keep our hearts prepped on God - we can take it on!

Alee Behymer-Smith said...

Sweet, sweet Noel. Thank you so much for sharing. You made me all weepy and such. I love the Lord and His faithfulness - to Job - and to each of us. We each are a delight to Him. We don't bare emotions He cannot handle. He is the author of honesty. I am sooooo happy that you have made it through. I pray a new closeness for you and your God since all the barriers have been torn down.

The White Wave said...

Thank you for your honesty here. It was about 5 years ago that I also had an upheaval year, where two of my closest friends died of cancer, and my mom died. I don't know that I was angry at God, but I was scared, and that fear still shows up once in a while.

No(dot dot)el said...

@ Alee, sorry to have made you weepy. I love all what you have said here about God, but especially that He is the author of honesty. That is so very true. I'm thankful for that hard season because it has prepared me for this one, but looking back I so wish I wouldn't have wasted as much time getting back down on my knees to this place of true repentance and worship. You are such a blessing Alee. Miss you girl.

No(dot dot)el said...

@TheWhiteWave- I'm so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean about the fear rising up. One of my lifetime verses is "Don't be anxious or worry about anything, but in everything make your requests known to God with thanksgiving. And the peace that surpasses understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" Phil 4:6-8 I can always count on that peace to guard my heart and mind from fear of future trials, but only after I bring those things to God. Often times, I will jump straight to worry and forget to pray. Thank you so very much for sharing this.

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