FullyBloomed and Coming Home

Here's the part where I tell you WE are moving back to Nevada.
Sigh.
After almost 4 years of living in Washington, the Evergreen state, it appears that the not so Green State... I mean the Silver State has called us back.
Sigh.
Here's the part where I tell you I feel a lot like that flower up there. Broken Open  and Fully Bloomed.

And here's the part in my life story where I tell you that this quote is a description of what the past 4 years has been.
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight  in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
The risk, the pain, it's all played a part in bringing us where we are today. 

It was a risk to come up here and we didn't know if it would be one worth taking, but we took it anyways. It was too painful for us to watch our home be taken away from us that's why we left. We walked away very slowly from all that we knew, from all that was familiar.
In the time that we have been here, we have played the role of foreigner, and we have been blessed to be placed in families. The word hospitality has taken on a WHOLE new meaning. 
Here's the funny part, to move back to Nevada used to seem like it would be a failure, but here's the part where we get to say, We tried and we didn't fail because at least we can say we tried. We took the leap of faith. We sprang forward into a foreign land. We imagined a very different life for our little family. 
And it was good. It was really good. We feel stronger now. We know the depths and the heights of this place. And in the end it's just a place. Whether we loved it, or hated it, it's just a place.

Life has a funny way of bringing everything full circle. The main reason we had a spring board to leave Nevada was due to the foreclosure of our third home. Many of you stood by our sides when we were robbed by Bank of America.  Many of you were robbed too. Here's the part where it has turned full circle, not only are we moving back to Nevada for an incredible opportunity, but this past week, we received a check from Bank of America.
A tiny piece of some retribution from the Bank that stole our home from us, but not our lives.
Sigh.
And now we can sing this song

I'm coming home Holla  RENO NEVADA!!
I'm also a dork.  Thanks for listening!

I Will Wait

Hello There Beloved Reader and Happy Halloween!

I hope this evening or morning depending on when you read this finds you healthy, happy and dressed in costume. 

I also want to say before I start my rant for today that my heart is heavy for all of you out there on the East Coast. You are in my prayers.

The other day I was driving around taxi-cabbin it up.  Driving my kids from here to there, I'm sure.  One of my favorite things to do while driving is to listen to my favorite bands, and turn up the music. I sing like no one is listening, because... well no one is, except for one. I sing loud. I sing proud. AND  I turn a lot of songs into praise. Sometimes that is what the songs are. Sometimes they are not, but I make them my praise songs.

I Will Wait,  is one of my all time favorite songs right now. It's from Mumford and Sons.  Have you heard of them? Well if you haven't, do your ears a favor and listen to the song below.  The lyrics of this song talk about feeling heavy like a stone, and being in days of darkness.  Sometimes I feel heavy with the burdens of this life. Not so much my burdens, but the burdens of others. I feel deeply "my peoples" burdens. I have a sentimental heart and don't easily let these heavy things go without much prayer and a sad heart.  This song talks of a new day coming and these burdens will blow away "with this new sun." Um.. I'm pretty sure that sun should be spelled son, but okay.  Moving on. Then the song speaks of kneeling down and waiting. And this is where the song turned into worship for me. Did you know you could turn any song into a song about God? Well, now you know. And that's what I did with this song, I Will Wait  by Mumford and Sons  has a whole new meaning to me now because after listening to it the other day and feeling what I felt when singing it, I am changed. I feel renewed by this song that I am now singing as a declaration. I WILL WAIT. Because the one I wait for is faithful and he "raises my hands" as I wait on him. I try not to raise those hands while driving, but ya know on the inside they are raised. And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel downKnow my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Sigh...

Yesterday, at church the speaker talked about that key phrase that seems to keep resurfacing in my life over and over, "harden not your heart." Do you ever have this strange occurrence, where a song, a quote, a movie will repeat what the Creator of the Universe is trying to say to you?

I had to laugh because it was like okay God I get it. But, really I feel like maybe I don't. So much of what he spoke about yesterday challenged, convicted, encouraged, and confused me.

You see, I've been a bit raw this past month because of a constant concern that is lingering, and that is My beloved Poppa. 

My dad has been in and out of the hospital for the past month with different health issues. This last ER trip was the worst of all because he had a seizure. He is ok now, I spoke with him this morning and he sounded better, but it seems we are all shooting a loaded gun in the dark, trying so very hard to find that target that will mean he will be back to normal.

Normally, I would put on a brave face for my kids and others around me, but I feel that would be a hardening of my heart in a sense, so I'm having mini melt downs, and I'm hearing God say that's ok.

Feel Noël.

Connect Noël.

Cry Out Noël.

The problem is that I have so many feelings it's hard to just pick one and go with it.

So there's this battle with my emotions. If I  harden my heart and ignore all these emotions then it comes out in anger. But if I let loose the flood gates... well...

 I feel whelmed.

I feel sad.

I feel helpless.

I feel worried.

I feel weepy.

I feel raw.

                                                      My heart is torn between here and there.

It is the new norm for me now living 700+ miles from my beloved family, and I'm trying to navigate through this space in time that I find myself in, where my kids are very much in full swing here and my parents are in need. It's a season in life that I knew was coming, I just thought I would have more time.

I'm beyond, BEYOND, thankful for my 4 siblings that all live there and are my eyes and ears to what is going on, but still... I want to go give my Poppa a big hug. 

When things like this happen, my old M.O. would have been to crawl back in bed, hide my head under my beautiful quilt cover, and not come back out again until the world was safe and everything was alright. Kinda like a turtle. I like turtles. Especially that turtle in Nemo? What was his name? Ok sorry I just needed a breather from my Debbie downer post.

This poem written by the artist Jewel, describes perfectly what I'm really feeling.

"I could stand to be alone
for some time
Lose myself in the white noise
slip into the blur
contemplate the color yellow

Right now
I just don't handle splashes too well
Or too many teeth
around me all at once
armed like guns with something to say
Urgent whispers
hoarse restraint

Quiet as paper cuts
people steal me away
cart my flesh off in tiny crimson piles
my bones have been sore
Rattling against each other in their anemic cage
raven circling
my heart beating
it's time to go it's time to go
someplace full of surf
full of flat blue sky
full of shuuushh."

Jewel

But, that's not what I'm gonna do.

I'm not gonna stop these emotions. 

I'm not going to go run and hide.

Although the poem is a perfect description of what I'm feeling, it's not okay for me to go "find surf, blue sky and shuuuush"because I'm convinced

that poem is a recipe for a hard heart.

It's so much easier right, to live this life alone where no one messes with your shit?

It's so much easier to hide than to live out in the open, raw and exposed?

So here I am living my life out loud for all to see.

I've said before feelings are okay it's just what you do with them that really counts.

In this new place, being raw means for me that I am trying not to harden my heart.

I'm learning to bite my tongue.
I'm weepy.

I'm praying for grace for myself.

And I'm thankful for poems, songs, and promises like this.

"My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

Exodus 33:14

Bottom of The Barrel, lyrics by Amos Lee

Amos Lee Song Bottom of the Barrell is really speaking volumes to me right now.

Bottom Of The Barrel lyrics

I keep on livin',
to keep from cryin'.
I keep on dreamin',
to keep from dyin'.
I keep on trying,
I aint gonna stop.

Get right down to the bottom of the barrel and float back on top.



We all know someone,
whos always hurtin',
The sun is shinin',
they draw the curtain.
One thing for certain,
the pain aint gonna stop.

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel and float back on top.

Cuz i know the grass,
is always greener in someone else's yard.
And the world is so much meaner,
when your heart is hard.

I go out walkin',
in any season.
It could be rainin',
it could be freezin'.
I don't need no reason,
it's just so pleasin'.
And i can't stop.

You get right down to the bottom of the barrel and float back on top.

Tou get right down to the bottom of the barrel and float back on top.



The winds of change have blown our way again and this song is what is getting me through the day.

I Wonder if they might speak to you too ?

And yes those would be my ducky lips that the giant keeps telling me to put away, but dammit sometimes those lips come in handy!!

And So I Start Again...

I like the idea of new beginnings.

I am amazed by the fact that our bodies no matter where we are in life can respond to starting over with exercise and eating right.
I have for several months not done a single thing in the exercise department. It is an area of great frustration for me how inconsistent I have always been with all things physical.
In January of this year I set out as all New Year's Optimistic people do to finally be consistent in this area. I lasted until the time change occurred in March and since then have not lifted a finger or a muscle I should say.
About a month ago my sister encouraged me by signing me up for a new gym. I was on my way to getting around to do this myself, but I can procrastinate like it's nobodies business when it comes to something I don't want to do. Don't even get me started about my upcoming, pressing need to register for a math class in the fall!!

Anyway, back to new beginnings. I am back at it again and have been going strong with the weekly workouts for over a month now. I am hopeful that it will last and I will finally be consistent in this area. I am hopeful that I won't come up with excuses or reasons why I can't do something that should be as important to me as bread, water and air.

I like the fact that God is a God who supports new beginnings. In fact He is all about new beginnings. His middle name could be NEW BEGINNING. I love how His motto is NOT- "Oh you screwed up forget it. You are a loser and you will never get it right but rather Grace and Mercy triumph over Judgement. That is His way. I think that is why He made us so that even our bodies respond so well with new beginnings.

Okay now for the random song in this blog;

This all reminds me of that old 80's song or maybe it was 90's...ya know how pretty much everything can remind me of a song right?

"Here I go again on my own,
Going down the only road I've ever known"

Okay all you song trivia people out there who sings it and what are the rest of the words??

Death by Fire

Yesterday, while driving down to Carson City for my brother Jeremy's 17th birthday party I looked over at the mountain that is to the right of the freeway when you are coming into Carson.
I remember this mountain that was on fire 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Isaiah. It was a miserable hot summer and the fires were out of control(literally). This particular mountain got the worst of it and the fire that summer not only burned half the mountain or more but took out several homes as well.
Well, yesterday to look at it now 5 years later you would never have known the sight that we sat on our rooftops and watched 5 years before. It is now filled with new life, green in fact greener than it was before and just plain old thriving.
It reminded me of something about the cycle of life in nature that is true I believe in the spiritual and that is sometimes things have to die by way of the most extreme death- FIRE. But then if given time what comes back in it's place is something better than what was ever there before.
There are some areas in my life where I have allowed a great deal of compromise creep in. I have tried in my own strength to kill these bad habits but somehow they have all been feeble attempts. I realize now that I need a refining fire to come in and however painful the process of death to these things might be I need to allow this to happen so that I can look back and see a field of green instead of a dry dessert place that has no life, breath, reason for being.
So, that is my prayer this morning;

Refiners fire
My hearts one desire
Is to be Holy
Set apart for you Lord
I choose to be Holy
Set apart for you My Master
Ready to do your will.

IPOD organizing

Yesterday I spent the greater part of the day organizing my music on my IPOD. It was tedious but at the same time alot of fun. I kinda turned it into a game of "name that tune" when I got down to all the un-named tracks. I would play the song and then try and guess who it was. I had alot of burned music on there , which I know my recording artist friends and family would probably not approve of but whatever. To that topic I just say, if you can record an album you have enough money already and chances are you will keep making money if you are good enough and if your not nobody wants to hear you anyways. Is that a little harsh? What are your thoughts on pirating music? You now have mine. Back to the topic at hand, my music. Music to me is so amazing. I love how a song can come on and completely change the mood in the room. As much as I get alot of crap for the music I listen to from my very own Mr. Big, I really do enjoy all genres. Except for maybe the stuff that makes you want to murder the closet living breathing thing next to you because of all the noise coming out of the speakers that I wouldn't really call music, I just call that noise. I really don't have a name for that genre of music except maybe murder music. My all time favorite sounds though I would have to say either come from Billy Holiday or well....yeah just Billy. I love listening to Billy. She has a voice no one will ever have. I have heard before from Mr. Big why she has that voice and that I could have one too if I did drugs , drank, and smoked alot but really her voice is so unique and it just puts a smile on my face. Speaking of other Billy sounds that I like there is Billy Joel of course he is an all time favorite and then someone who will be in concert here in Reno at the end of month Billy Idol. I would totally go see and old man Billy Idol in concert but alas , we will be camping. IF you could only pick one sound to listen to , who would it be?

A bit deep for me

"I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me so I can say this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time , or for the sadness" john mayer
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when youv'e worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat." Matt.5:5-6 MSG
"God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice/righteousness, for they will be satisfied. " Matt. 5:5-6 NLT
Realizing who I am (what's wrong with me) and finding freedom in the love of Christ. Can't get back the time that I wasn't hungry and thirsty for the heart of Jesus but I can work up a good appetite for it now and be content in that. Seeing again how much He loves me gives me hope for the future, gives me life.
"You can't build a house of leaves and live like it's an evergreen. It's just a season thing. It's just this thing the seasons do. And you can't love too much one part of it, you can't love too much one part of it" john mayer
Trying to be content in the seasons of life is key for me right now. Enjoying the simple things and remembering that I can't hold on to the past or look too far into the future but enjoy the moments as they come, however they present themselves. Life is about changing and growing two things that once I've done them it's not that hard, but in the midst of it I don't like them all that much. Change and growth are good it is just very painful for me. Don't know why, maybe cause ,a creature of habit I am, but what if your habits are not so good??
These are my thoughts for the day. A lil bit deep for me but deep is good right??