Mad At God

Good Morning Beloved Reader

I'm just going to get down to business with you all here today, because let me forewarn you this is a 

VERY LONG POST ahead!

Seriously, don't sit down for this bad boy unless you have a good cup of joe and lots o time on yer hands!

First, let me start with saying,

There is so much that I share with you here on a regular basis, but there is so much more that I don't.

The reason for this is because of God's Holy Spirit who gives me discernment. 

For some of you that sounds like mumbo jumbo churchy crap 

and 

For others of you, you're tracking and we can move on.

If you are in Group A. check out my post below and Go rent What About Bob.

If you are in Group B. walk with me please here for a minute or two, or maybe 20 ; )

I need your hand... 

Ok let's go...

This topic I knew was going to be a tricky one to convey my heart, but I'm hoping by sharing it with you all it might help someone else get to the end of this process a lot quicker than the 5 years it took me. 

I'm going to try and unpack a process of healing that has been 5 years in the making so stick with me, because there will be song, and dance, and rejoicing at the end. 

I realized something at the beginning of this brand new year,  and I don't want to scare you with this statement, but I have been mad at God. Not just that, but for 5 WHOLE years!! Some of you are thinking you should be skipping onto the next blog quick like, and in a hurry so you don't get struck with lightening by my statement up there, but for those of you who aren't  scurred  (that's how we say scared ) Don't be Scurred. Let me explain. Around 2008 there was an onslaught of very difficult, traumatic things that happened to us and to those very near and dear around us.  There was a an infant death a cancer a divorce an attempted suicide a sleep deprived nervous breakdown and finally the beginnings of a  a foreclosure, our foreclosure, and well lots of other foreclosures (foreclosure is such an ugly word don't cha think?) all in the year  2008.  That was 5 years ago. And there have been  more deaths more cancer more divorces thankfully no more suicide attempts or sleep deprived nervous break downs, but plenty more  foreclosures in this past 5 years. How many of you know that a lot, I mean A lot can happen in 5 years? How many of you also know that 5 years can go by so very fast, and then again so very slow? Do you have a 5 year old right now? Think back on 5 years ago when that person wasn't here. Or maybe you were in High School and now you have graduated college and are fiercely trying to make it in the real world. 5 years can be brutal and seem like nothing all at the same time. Or to put it another way, like a lifetime ago and all at the same time like it was yesterday. Time is funny that way. Back to the beginning of 2013, during an intense bible study with the Sistas,  I realized something very profound. A very crucial part to my health and growth as a person, but mostly as a Christ follower was revealed to me as I was reading in the book of  Job. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I read this conversation that took place between God and Job after Job had gone through the most horrific series of events that I believe a person could ever go through.  Seriously, like E-V-E-R!!
Job said to God, "I know that you can do all things, and that no thought or purpose of Yours can be restrained or thwarted. You said to me, Who is this that darkens and obscures counsel by words without knowledge? Therefore, [I now see] I have [rashly] uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."  Job 42:2-3

What I was coming to understand was that Job having everything, and I DO mean everything taken away from him had a day of reckoning. This was that day. Where he said to God, I did not know, or I had not seen, the magnitude of what was going on here. He was talking about the bigger picture here. But, Job was only able to say this to God after God had revealed his heart and HIS very soul to Job. Don't you want to hear from God's soul? If you do want to see, to hear, to know, just a teeny tiny glimpse into the Creator of The Universe's soul Please  Read Job 40 and 41.
The profound conclusion that I came to was I believe one of Gods Sovereignty. There have been, and I'm sure will continue to be, things in this life that I will never ever understand  the WHY behind. It doesn't make sense when, God can do all things,  that he allows for certain things to happen. Now I have read Job 38, 39, 40 and 41 before and I sort of just thought of those chapters as being a spanking from God to Job, but this time, Oh this time beloved I understood them to be so much more. God wasn't spanking Job with these words; "Have you commanded the morning since your days began and caused the dawn to know its place."
"Have you explored the springs of the sea? Or have you walked in the recesses of the deep?"
"Can you hunt prey for the lion? Or satisfy the appetite of the young lions." No. 
He was reminding Job of who HE was, is, and always will be. Hebrews 13:8 He was in a sense saying to Job, "I GOT THIS!" "Trust ME, I GOT THIS!"
He was reminding Job of his Sovereignty. Webster's defines Sovereignty as being  Supreme Excellence. There are not many things in this life that are excellent. In fact the only excellent things I can think of all come from God. The smell of a rose. The dimples in a babies hand. The sound of the rain. The waves in the Ocean. The sunrise. The sunset. The Supreme maker of Excellence. EXCELLENCE~ 1. The quality of being outstanding or extremely good. Oh beloved reader if you don't already know this, I mean really KNOW this, let me just say to you now  The One True Living  God of the universe is so very, very, outstandingly, extremely good. Every good and perfect gift comes from HIM and HIM alone. He has plans and purposes ONLY EVER for good. So although my infinite mind cannot wrap my brain around this kind of excellence it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. He never wanted death. He never planned for disease. He HATES divorce. (Just the action not the people) And I'm pretty sure he doesn't like the word foreclosure either.
But, I only know this and can see this now because, At the end of a very long and hard road I am finally seeing some of the bigger picture. And I have only seen the bigger picture in part. I don't fully see it. In fact what little has been revealed is miniscule at best. But, what I can see, what I can make sense of ... well it's good.  Because of these recent revelations, I feel like my trust in God has been restored.

Did you know beloved reader that you can be a Christ-follower AND be mad at God? Well, I'm here to tell you, you can but it doesn't really work out so well. Being mad at God is strange.  It's not like I was shaking my fist toward heaven and living a life of total drunken debauchery, although I have had my fair share of vino these past 5 years. It was more like I had God at arms length because, well when you are mad at someone who you know you shouldn't be mad at that's kinda just what you do.  You put a guard up. You lay a wall down, brick by brick, stone by stone this is what I was doing.  

 All the while I still loved Jesus.

I still sang worship songs. I still prayed.  I still went to church, although that was a challenge more than ever before.
I guess,  I just didn't realize until now what it was exactly that was holding me back and now that I know with a very heavy, repentant heart I have asked God to forgive me.  And you know what he said.
I already did. Moving on from this place seems strange.  A new found Trust in God has been given back to me, and I find myself weeping. Weeping at the years that have gone by when I wasn't fully trusting HIM. Weeping at the time spent being idle in my own fleshly desires. Weeping at the mess I have made. And do you know what He did about all of this. He cleaned it up. He reminded me that I'm only human. I'm Not an angel. I'm Not a demon. I'm Human. God made something very different from either devil or angel when he made us humans. I have human feelings. I have human actions. I have human skin. I have human eyes. I have human ears. I could only see and hear, and feel so much during this time of process and do you know what God says to all of that. 
 I KNOW who YOU are. 
That's so profound to think about. HE knows what it's like to be fully human and fully God. Jesus, the one true lover of my soul, knows me. As I see and recognize only a part that is in Him,  He sees and recognizes all that is in me. He says,  I've walked in your shoes.
Here's the happy ending folks. I'm no longer Mad at God. We are good. Fer realz. We are better than good, we are great, and  do want to know what I say to all of this...
well actually, I'm singing it;  Bless The Lord O My Soul

Homeless (cont.)

Last Friday night the ladies at my book club discussed our recent book Paris Wife,(good book btw). A book about Ernest Hemmingway's first wife and then somehow in some strange way this became the topic of conversation;

Should I give money to homeless folks or beggars?

I found it so interesting because I didn't bring this up, yet it was a thought that had consumed quite a bit of my time last week after my somewhat encounter with the beautiful stranger(see blog below).
In scrolling around on my usual reads this morning I found this lil note written to the above question by one of my favorite authors, Shane Claiborne.

"Jesus said give to everyone who asks. That’s a tough command. Sometimes we wonder what Jesus would do in the Calcutta slums or in these heroine-haunted streets where folks ask for change on every corner. What we can say with confidence is that we are to give something to everyone who asks – dignity, attention, time, a listening ear. Sometimes we may give money, sometimes not. But we can always give love. And there are times when giving money can even be a way to insulate ourselves from friendship or the messiness a real relationship might demand. So you can toss a few coins to a beggar or write a check to charity precisely as a way of insulating ourselves from relationships (and still appease our consciences)… but at the end of the day Christ’s call is to relationship and compassion. When Jesus speaks in Matthew 25 about caring for “the least of these”, the action he speaks of is not about distant acts of charity but personal actions of compassion – visiting the prisoners, caring for the sick, welcoming the strangers, sharing food with the hungry. Better than sharing money is sharing life, a meal, a home. Having said that, most Christians need to get taken advantage of more. And we can usually spare some change. Sometimes folks say this question about giving to beggars and panhandlers with suspicion, speculating that homeless folks will just use their money for drugs or alcohol… which happens sometimes. But we don’t always ask what CEOs are doing with our money when we give it to their companies (and the recent events on Wall Street raise some flags about how responsible they are!). In the end, if we cannot take someone to dinner or give them a ride when they ask for money, we might as well give some money. It’s better to err on the side of grace than on the side of suspicion. And we doubt that Jesus is going to reprimand us for giving too much money to addicts… more likely, we will discover we could have been a bit more generous than we were."

Shane Claiborne

Even if you are NOT a follower of Christ I think this blurb has some very good points to consider. Like we might not need to give money but we can always give LOVE. I like how Shane comes at the age old argument of not giving because they might use the money for drugs or alcohol, combated with do we scrutinize America's public servants, aka politicians with the same rule of thumb?
I believe the topic of people in need is one that will continue to resurface as the programs that were once in place to help those in need are now being shut down. I don't necessarily think this is entirely bad because it now gives us "the human race" the opportunity to step up to the plate of real true need, and help meet those needs.

I want to do my part. Not exactly sure what that looks like, but I think it begins with "giving to anyone who asks".

I am proud of my little book club because these thoughts and more were all part of our conversation last Friday night. And now I leave you with the same question;

Should I give money to homeless folks or beggars?

The Homeless

Today I had a strange thing happen to me. I was sitting in my car in front of Safeway getting ready to go to the grocery store for the umph-teen time this week, (I feel as though I live there, but I digress) and I was txt-ing back a friend and when I looked up I saw a beautiful, clearly homeless woman sitting in front of the store at Safeways outside tables. She was sleeping peacefully, and she had figured out how to chain all her bags to her person so they wouldn't be stolen while she slept.

I saw her and paused...

And then I paused some more and thought, what must that be like?

Taking a nap outside of Safeway, having everything you own in the world chained to you, and resting peacefully?

I thought maybe I should leave her some money because clearly she could use it, right? Or maybe not. She didn't have a sign up saying that she needed money so I thought maybe she was okay for now. Then I thought maybe I should go in and get her a Starbucks on the way out to help her wake up from her slumber.

Then I got thinking about how many people choose this way of life because they are so tired of running the rat race. I wondered IF she had in fact chose this way of life or if life and it's cruel ways had forced her to this place.

She sat there in the middle of the day sleeping, and here I was running from here to there, trying to make it all work. Napping in the middle of day is not a bad gig. Ask anyone who has done it. It is glorious! But this was different, or was it?

So in the end, after I prayed to see if I was to give her anything besides my prayers I didn't end up giving her anything at that time. A while back I blogged about how convicted I was by not giving to homeless people when they asked for something and ever since have made it a point to give something, anything if I can WHEN ASKED! But she didn't wake up and ask so I walked inside and thought if she is awake when I walk out and IF she asks for something I will give. Whatever it is... maybe she will ask for coffee, a meal, some cash?

I then imagined how cool would it be to sit down and have a conversation with her.

She was awake when I came out and both our attention was drawn to a toddler that was not being watched by it's mom and playing with a gadget about ready to walk into a wall. We both shook our heads by this, and smiled in acknowledgement of how cute the toddler was. I waited for a plea for help, a hand outstretched for something but there was nothing.


Hmm....


I wish I could say that I was my usual sanguine self and sat down to strike up a conversation with her but I didn't. I put my groceries in the car, she put her head back on the table, and I drove off.

Maybe next time.
Maybe she was an angel I could have entertained?
She sure was beautiful.

Lent

I'll admit I haven't been a participator in this Lent tradition since I was a Catholic child who somewhat unwillingly participated, if at all!
I remember families giving up T.V., Sugary Treats, and a variety of other crazy talk happenings! I remember never really understanding a lot of things that were spiritual concepts back then, but one thing I did understand was that I didn't want to give up sugar right as I was selling Girl Scout cookies :)


Up until a year ago I thought the season of Lent was just another legalistic way of trying to take away from the greatest sacrifice ever made. A kind of earning your badges of being a good, better, best follower of Christ.

That was what I thought, until the church I was attending a year ago at this time had such a different take on this thing called Lent. They spoke of this time of preparation, remembering others who are suffering, sacrificing for a greater good, fasting from some things in order that other things might come in abundance, and just an over-all time to take note of your spiritual life. A time to take stock of your inventory as a Spiritual being, and prepare your house for the day of new life. New Beginnings. A kind of Spring cleaning spiritually. They inspired me to take a second look at this thing called Lent.



I remember coming home and sharing with the kids about the fact that I was inspired to do something for Lent, that it was a special time, and that I was going to give up sugar. At first they looked at me like I was crazy, eyes wide as saucers. At some point they too were all excited about this new found thing called Lent. They took an interest with mom and got on board until later that evening when Isaiah asked if he could have Hot Cocoa and I said, "Buddy that has sugar in it". He said without even a second thought, "Oh well I'm out" as though it was a game or something.
That was when I realized:
1) guess I am not that good of a teacher as I thought, and
B) it might have been too big a concept for a 5 year old to get, dunno?



So this year, I told my kids that Lent was coming, and told them what I was giving up. I gave up coffee(that's a blog post for another day), and
I didn't ask any of them if they wanted to join. But, to my surprise they all chimed in with what they were going to give up.
I think that I might have done a better job describing this Lent season to them. At least a little better than last year, because they are all still going strong with all of their fasts.(excluding Isaiah... refer to point 1. and B.)
I told them that usually people give something up, but also some people add some new good behavior or habit in place of what they gave up.


So as if I wasn't challenged enough already....

On top of participating in the traditional Lent Season of giving something up for six weeks, I had decided this year that I wanted to begin adding new challenges to my life.
The challenges I wanted to incorporate into my life are motivated by LOVE. After all, the greatest act of LOVE that the world has EVER seen is what we are preparing to remember and celebrate so what better time than this to take these; LOVE challenges.

Instead of doing this all at once, I have been giving myself one week challenges.
To me it seems more attainable to do things in one week increments.
Once one week is over if I have accomplished these goals and feel inspired to keep going with them, I do.
And then I add a new challenge.

There are about 3 weeks to go until Easter Sunday, and I can honestly say that this Lent season for me has already been pretty amazing. I have learned a lot about myself and what motivates me. I would like to think I am learning even more about this amazing God that I get to serve. I hope and pray that eventually I will be able to describe/teach about this Lent season thingy in such a way that even Isaiah will whole-heartedly get on board, but until then as I am learning I am confident that one day he will too. Because isn't it so true that you can't really teach something to another person unless you fully, completely, whole-heartedly get it yourself?

Wet Logs

Something I have never had to deal with in my lifetime is Wet Logs. When I would set up a fire anywhere in Nevada I was always dealing with very dry, crispy, ready to be burned wood. But since we have moved to the PNW and we are living in a home where our primary source of heat is wood, we have had to deal with wet logs. When your heat source is a fire, and you are surrounded with an abundance of free wet wood, you take what you can get and make it work.

Now, you are not supposed if you can help it, burn wet logs, I realize this. Mostly because they just don't burn very well if at all. But also because they let off a lot of smoke(bad for the environment...PNW doesn't like bad for the enviroment) If you were in the wilderness and trying to make a fire with a wet log it would never, ever light. We are not in the wilderness(well it kind of looks like we are) and not only that, we have a blowtorch to help get things started around here. SO don't worry we have plenty of warmth.

Today while making a fire out of some wet logs, I was getting frustrated and impatient. I kept the blow torch on the logs for a good amount of time. I set up the logs just right with some wet and some dry logs. Still after several attempts no fire. Apparently these logs were more than wet, they were saturated.

It got me thinking that this is kind of how my heart can become sometimes. Saturated with worry, fear, bad attitudes, comparisons to others, and countless other things that keep my heart from flame. I keep a fair distance between my heart and God's flames because of fear.

God tries to come in with His blow torch and flames but I am just too dang wet with the world and I miss out on the warmth of His flame. I need others who have been on fire for a while now to help me out.

*** The above blog was written over a year ago on 3/4/10 - It ended there. My need for help. Little did I know a year later so much more of this blog would make sense.


Recently, some friends have really inspired me by their fire like faith, and have set a flame to these wet logs. I had here in my heart saturated logs. They had been heavy with fear, worry, and doubt. They have been watered this past year not with living water, but with compromise, creature comforts, any thing BUT living water.

But then I came across this scripture: 1 Kings 18:33-38

This is a passage in the bible where the prophet Elijah is told to set the stage for God to show up.
He tells people to set up two places where a burnt offering can be made.
One will be to the God Baal and his prophets
and the other to the One True living God.
The one that is set on fire is to be forever known as the Living God, The One True God.
He then proceeds to tell the people on his altar "wet logs" are what he wants.
Not once, twice, but three times he says pour water over these logs.
He does this to prove without a shadow of a doubt that His God, The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob WILL set the logs on fire.
After God set the logs on fire, Elijah said get ready because there will be rain in this dry dessert place.
Again another thing God told Elijah that even though there had a been a drought there was going to be a great rain.

I read this and thought this is what you were up to God.
These metaphorical "wet logs" in my heart have now been set a flame once again.
I have caught the vision of what you are doing and want to continue to do in my life.
No one else gets the glory for that but you.
There is no better blow torch than you.

"So let the rain fall on me, on me, on me.
Let it wash away all my insecurities.
Let the rain fall on me, on me, on me.
Let it wash away all my impurities.

I'm taking it all in
The sounds of beginning again.
It's starting to touch my soul.
It's starting to feel like home.

So let the rain fall on me, on me, on me.
Let it wash away all my insecurities.
Let the rain fall on me, on me, on me.
Let it wash away all my impurities."

IT hit me today and IT hurt...real bad

It really hit me square in the jaw today what I will be leaving;

*(I say square in the jaw not literally, but figuratively of course because it hurt so bad it made me cry as though I had been hit hard, like square in the jaw hard, not that I have ever been hit like that but you get the idea)

-Family (Not just any kind of family but the kind that you choose as friends)
-Blue Sky Country
- Friends( Not just any kind of friends but the kind you consider to be family)
-Support (Sewn together as tight as a quilt that you can blanket it around yourself whenever life gets too cold)
-Children at Little Lites (That I love and have already become so attached to and don't want to stop being their teacher)
- VW Slo-Going Club
-Knowing a City so well that I don't need a GPS to navigate me(Which I would like to ask all those reading to be thinking of a name for my GPS girl voice, she will I am sure become a beloved new friend... also if I start talking about her too much in future blogs after I have moved please call my mom Ellen with concern :)
- My Children's Friends (all of which I adore and who's sadness makes it so hard to be happy)
- Nevada Day and the Parade that I love oh so much!! (That's right people I will miss this tradition with my Mom and kids)
- Being only 3 classes away from my degree (only to have to start all over again. I am being a bit dramatic with that because I am sure some classes will transfer it's just it never ENDS. Well, here's to me for trying!!)
-The community of people at Hillside, really good... no great people who have been nothing but supportive and generous with me and my family.
-Granite Counter Tops(wondered if Mo could take those also? just kidding!!)
-My Neighbors( I have really great neighbors, even mean old guy next door has been nice lately, prolly cause he's happy he will have a little peace and quiet now)
-My brother coming over to use our garage every so often
-People who come over unannounced(this is truly, truly something I will miss because it means people not only know where you live but that you love them)
-My new found Gym instructor who kicks butt and takes names, Shalisa
-2 bathrooms( at least I got to have this luxury for a little while)
- The group of newly tattooed people who kept my family a float this summer with their purchases of new ink


I walk slowly away from all of this and so much more, knowing that what the future holds is promising, but the past can't be replaced.

Life, Laughing, Loving, Crying, and Music

I hate when I don't really have time to really blog. My post have been lame at best in my estimations, (except for my fashion week of course that was just plain fun AND for which I received and awesome prize) and it really does have to do with the fact that my brain is fried. 

When I finally do have the time to sit down and articulate a thought or two they all seem to just run together. This afternoon I still have a few more hours that I need to log into my math course before 11pm but I am taking a break to blog.

I started thinking about the last few weeks and how busy they have been and it has made me realize some things. I like to do a lot of things and have a hard time saying no to myself  until it hits me in the alone time department and then I wonder why I did that to myself again. Does anyone even know what I am saying?

 Basically, I am just saying there are not enough hours in the day and I hate being confined to the 24 that I am given.

This week while driving into to work I thought about my mom and started to get all choked up. I don't think that I could've  possibly appreciated my mom or dad more until I became a mom and realized some things. Anyway, I called her to just say that I loved her and that I am glad she is still on the other end to call and say that to. For those of us who still have our parents, remember there will come a day when they won't be there on the other end so seize the day and call your mom and dad just to tell them you love them.

Today I got really emotional after church thinking about my good friend Natalie and her hubby Chris, and baby V moving so far away. It just really makes me sad. I have been having many conversations to the Lord about this for weeks but alas, I know in my heart they are in good care. I just wish that they could have remained being cared for HERE!! Still, I know that I will keep in touch. There are some friends that just come and go but these are not those kinda friends for me. Natalie is a gem, truly like a little sister and I will miss her greatly. We will see each other when our book gets published though and when we  go on a book tour and so there is that :)

A good friend a while back said that I shouldn't hold back the tears. That a good cry is a good thing. I am feeling that lately when I need to cry the tears are readily available, but when I need to laugh.....I laugh so loud I scare myself and those around me. 

One final thought, they need to make a musical movie like ; Across the Universe, Mama Mia that uses the Cures music- don't ya think??

Processing

I have always had a tough time processing things quickly. Whether it's the news of a friend or some news on the Television, I take a long time to process things. I especially take a bit longer than that when something directly affects someone I deeply care for or even more time when something has happened to me personally. As I get older I am realizing that I have never done anything quickly, except maybe getting married. So it's not surprising to those of you who know me. Last year there were quite a lot of things that my brain just couldn't wrap around and understand and so I began to check out in a very unhealthy way. It was a rough year for pretty much everyone I know. In some way, shape, or form everyone I knew was having a tough time so again, my issues I didn't want to bother anyone else with or give them yet another problem that needed to be solved. So I got quiet, took lots of naps, and began to shut down. There were some friends who noticed even over the phone that I didn't sound the same. I am sure I needed to be on medication but because we didn't have insurance(still don't until Feb 11th) I haven't been to a doctor.

When I get upset my whole life ever since I can remember the way I deal with being really upset is to go to my nice, warm, comfy bed and take a long nap. It seems as though after a nice long nap everything gets better. That's how I process. Slowly with lots of naps. I also process things by cleaning, but that's usually just my M.O. when I am angry. If I get really angry I clean like a mad woman. Literally.  

I think the way we process life is so interesting. I know that my mom processes by talking. She loves to talk. She talks when she's nervous, happy, sad, angry. She's a talker. I know that my dad processes by going and listening to his music. He puts his headset on and listens away the day or night. 

I am wondering how do you process things?  I am also wondering can you change the way you process life? Is that just something that is part of our genetic makeup that can't be changed? I would really like to process a bit quicker. Maybe not stew on things for quite so long. It seems anytime I try to rush my processing department I have a major malfunction so I don't know that it is something I can mess with. I would however like to be one of those people who takes a long run or uses exercise to process. It is not the first reaction I have when things don't make sense. My going to take a nap is like a knee jerk response. 

Anyway, I am processing a lot already in this new year. There is already some news from several friends that I am stewing over. Praying for them. I came home yesterday and did take a short nap to help myself but today I am wondering is there a better way to process?