A Tribute To Whitney

It took me some time to think about what I wanted to say about this beautiful Icon, Whitney Houston. She will forever be a legend in my mind. My heart is so sad for her family this morning.

There were countless after school memories of singing to her music in front of the mirror with a curling iron for a microphone.
I'll never forget going to see the Bodyguard and being so enamored with the lifestyle of a pop singer.

My all time favorite work of hers though, would have to be the Preachers wife.
That time in her life, that role that she played opposite Denzel Washington, where she sang of what was really in her heart, is what I will choose to remember her by.
The music from that movie is some of my favorite songs that she sang, because you could tell she sang with passion to her creator.

The scene when she saying goodnight to her boy and she sings these words;

"Who made the mountains
Who made the trees
Who made the rivers that flow out to the seas
And who hung the moon in the starry, starry, starry sky"

That's the moment that will comfort me as I think of her daughter mourning.
I pray she remembers the truths that Whitney taught her about her creator.
Despite what her life ended like, I pray her daughter remembers where it began.
I pray peace and comfort for her this morning.

I remember that My mom used to love Dionne Warwicks music, and would remind me that it was in Whitney's family to sing, like it was in my own.
There will never be another voice like hers.
I will forever be a fan.
My hope and prayer for her family this morning is that as the details of her death are revealed that they can forgive her. More than that, I pray they can forgive themselves.

Hers was a troubled soul.
Her song, Where do broken hearts go, asks the question, Where do broken hearts go?

I know in my heart, that her broken heart is with her creator and she will get the chance now to sing for all eternity the truest song of her heart.

Jesus does, and will continue to have mercy in this, a lost life.

Why? a tribute to my friend Nicole Crossman

"It must have been a place so dark you couldn't feel the light"

Driving home from work today a song from Rascal Flatts came on called, Why. It's basically about a person who commits suicide. It made me cry like a baby. It felt good to let go of some tears about this topic and especially about my friend Nicole Crossman, who is the most recent loved one lost from this crappy adjective. It felt good to feel more about her life lost because for the most part I felt anger when I would think about what she had done, but there was a line in this song that really reminded me of how funny she was and how much I really did love her. 

"You always played with passion, no matter what the game. When you took the stage you shined just like the sun."

In a million, trillion years she would never have been the friend I would think that would ever do something like this. 

"I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong."

My friend Nicole Crossman worked with kids most of her teenage and adult life. My sister met her first and then got her a job at my Aunt's school and that began her journey into Early Childhood Education. She worked at the Recreation Department for over 10 years and that's where most of my memories with her are from. She was alot fun!! She had two girls and I had the distinct pleasure of watching her younger one who was friends with my daughter, Chloe. I would bring them to preschool together and pick them up together. I have pictures in my scrapbook of the girls, of me and Nicole working at the Rec. Dept., of her and my friend Judy at my wedding.

"Now, in my mind I keep you frozen as a 17 year old."

I remember one time I sat in the car in the parking lot while my sister and Nicole went and got their hair done. I wasn't cool enough to be with the big girls but did I ever want to be cool enough. So I sat there waiting for the fun to come back.

"Now here we are gathered in our little hometown. This can't be the way you wanted to draw a crowd."

 I was sitting there crying  and in front of Isaiah. When he asked why I was crying I kept it simple with my answer but he kept wanting to know more. Then he said he was still sad about Emma's friend who had died last year in her class. I didn't even realize because he was only 3 at the time that he was paying attention to all of last springs drama with Emma's classmate,(Alex was a 10 year old boy who hung himself) but apparently he was. He also knew exactly what that song was about which is shocking to me. These little people know so much more than we give them credit for. I know that, sometimes I think I just forget how closely they are paying attention to our every move.

"Why, that's what I keep asking"

Normally, when I cry I am a silent, hidden crier. Especially where my kids are concerned but this time I just needed that release and thought I will deal with whatever comes after. So, I tried to explain to my 4 year old as best I could this subject of suicide that is something that I still don't really even understand myself. These are the times in parenting that you think, I am not prepared enough for THIS!!  I of course was age appropriate and not sharing any details and the conversation ended with us having a big long hug.

"Why you'd leave the stage in a middle of a song"

It felt good to feel.

It made me realize how long the process of emotional healing really is and how important it is not to rush through it just because it causes uncomfortable conversations with my 4 year old.

I went home and had a great afternoon with my kids and hubby, then got a phone call from my dad about a friend of my parents who was only in her 60's who passed away in her sleep. The cycle of life just keeps coming at ya!!

"Oh but I do have one burning question, who told you life wasn't worth the fight?"

Goodbye Sue Leishman

I will miss you. Your fight was one of the strongest, most courageous fights I have ever seen. Much like your life you were brave and against all odds so strong for others. Your fight for life was inspiring and made me so grateful for every breath of my own.The few deep conversations that we shared will stay with me forever. What you had to overcome in your lifetime is truly a testimony of God's hand of love, goodness ,and grace and your own strength and courage. I am happy for you on this day that you are no longer in pain, you have no more suffering, no more tears to wipe dry, no more haunting memories. I am happy for you that on this day you have seen the eyes of the one who knows you, our Precious Lord Jesus. What a happy day for you. I will miss you.

1 year ago today and then 5 years ago.....

One year ago today my beloved grandmother Joan LeSage passed away from this earth to go home. I loved this woman so much and it hurts to think of her not being here anymore but I am thankful that the sting of death is not all that I feel on this day. I know in my heart that I will see her again and so this time apart doesn't hurt as bad. I know that I will see her smiling eyes again. I know that her hug will warm my spirit again. I know this like I know that my name is Noel, or that my hair is brown, or that I have 4 children. I know this.
This makes me think of the other saddness of this day. All those lives that were lost 5 years ago. They were taken way before the long full life that my grandmother was given. Thier deaths were not nearly as peaceful. She died in her sleep , they died in terror and fear and long before they should have. Thier families didn't get to say goodbye and many of them don't have the assurance that they will ever see them again. That assurance is a gift. It steals the pain away from the sting of death like nothing else can. It is I believe what we are here to realize . That we are eternal beings and that one place or another we will live on.
This was a strange day for me with mixed emotions. A visit from my brother and then from my dad and then with a close friend. I am left feeling sad for those people who are still in fear of death and happy about my grandmother's beautiful long life lived. Mixed emotions. Trying to make sense of it all.

il mio grandma bello

My beloved gramma Johanna,Jennie,Joan Farina/LeSage passed away September 11, 2005. She was 83 years old and had suffered for over 10years with alzhemiers. She closed her eyes to sleep on this earth and opened them in heaven. She has now been given a new name and is in her true eternal home.
She was the most Christ-like person I have ever known and her beauty because of this was beyond compare. She was born in South Braintree Massachusetts. The family that she came from was the Farina's . Her mother and father both came to the states from Italy when they were only children and thier marriage was an arranged marriage that brought forth 6 wonderful, amazing people 5 girls and only 1 boy. Because she was the first to get married,have children, and move out west she was the pioneer of her family. In her life she was married 49years before my grandpa died, they had 5 children,16 grandchildren, and 29 great grandchildren. They raised a family of faith, with each person as unique and talented, kind and loving , funny and incredibly charasmatic as the next.
When my mom was growing up she said that gramma used to set an extra place at the dinner table every night just in case someone who needed the meal might not feel welcome enough to stay otherwise. She said usually they would have a few new faces around the dinner table most nights, and I know this is where my mothers heart of mercy and love for her neighbors comes from.
My gramma had all 5 of her children before the age of 25. She never learned how to drive a car but she had more than enough adventures and great stories to tell . Once shortly after having my first child I asked her "Gramma how did you do it? Raising 5 kids all so close in age with not much help from Granpa, and no way to get out and about?" She said as clear as day(even with some alzhemiers kickin in), "I just did it, I didn't think about it" Her family was her life. Her husband, who she lovingly referred to her as "Her pal" and her children were the jewels, the treasures she took so much joy in.
Her father, a beautiful man who loved Jesus but never went to church. The reason, because the catholic church started charging families to buy the pews they would sit in every Sunday and he refused. He said he and his family would have church at home and they did . Every Sunday they would read the bible in thier living room on 39 Fountain Street.He used to drive an oil truck in the time of the depression, and any extra oil that would drip out of the truck he would save in a can to be delivered to families in great need. He was a "Robin Hood" of sorts.That was one of his many ministries. My gramma was born in 1922 and shortly after she was born , countless diseases that took many other lives was stopped in time for her with the very first administrations of immunizations.She was a miracle. Her sister Elizabeth, was not as fortunate. She had 5 sisters and only one brother Louie who also passed away in January of this year. Louie Farina, adored his Jennie and so it is only appropriate that they left in the same year. My gramma was only 5 feet tall. She fell in love and was married at the young age of 19 to my Granpa a half Irish half French man who wasn't even supposed to talk to the italian women back in that day. He asked if he could carry her books from school home for her. At first she said no, but then every day he didn't stop asking, and finally she said yes, and the rest is part of my history now.
Three sons and two daughters,my mother Ellen was her fourth child. All her children were born in South Braintree Massachusetts and moved out west when they were in thier teens and pre-teens.
Some of the sayings and things that I will remember the most about my beautiful gramma; "When you think a fella is really interested in you and you like him too, the first question you be sure to ask him is, How much did you say your name was worth?" "The smart one shuts up" "God love ya" "Can I get you anything" Her theme song that she would sing alot, so simple and yet so true "Row,row,row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a dream"
Her homemade meatballs or italian cookies( covetchonis). Her love for children and her protection of them. Her love for music. There was always music in her life. My Grampa would play the organ or the accordion or her children the guitar. Always had a song in heart and a smile on her face. "Peace be with you". "I pray everyday for all my friends and benefactors, my family, and the most forgotten soul, I think that pretty much covers everyone""If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"
To everyone she met she would say goodbye by saying " God Bless ya" . Her life was a blessing to all who were blessed enough to know her . These are only a very few of my beloved memories. Her life was so rich, so full that it would take me alot longer to write them all. So much of who I am is because of her. I have been truly so blessed, so fortunate to have had her for my grandmother. I am truly thankful to God for all the wonderful things that she taught me. I know that she is finally home, restored to perfect health and with her Savior now and that brings me great comfort, but I still miss her already.
On this day I will try to keep her memory close to my heart by being gentle and merry, being kind to children, singing songs of joy,winking as a sign of approval and acceptance , raising one eyebrow to the things in this world that make me wonder. In tribute to her I will try to teach my children all the things that she taught me, and instill a strong sense of faith, love for others and a strong sense of identity. Her heritage was one of love,faith, service,and perserverance. Her legacy was not riches, possesions, or property but rather lots and lots of spoken blessings and love. She truly loved everyone.

I pray that I will honor her by living a life much like her own with as much faith, grace, love, humility, peace, and kindness as she lived hers with. Ti amo Gramma, I will miss you until we meet again.