Monday, April 11, 2016

Just Details

New life, Sudden death, Letting go, Seasons always changing, and all that is in between is what has me here today with you beloved reader.
I recently became an Auntie again and my heart is exploding with the joy of this new little life found in a teeny tiny girl named Hailey Jo.
Watching my brother and his wife protect and control every social setting that she has yet to encounter in her very short 4 weeks that she's been on this planet has got me thinking about how I wish I could have remained in control of anything and everything that would try to hurt my own children.
I know it's not healthy that kind of control, and I know that as Hailey gets older and learns to walk and wants to get out and see the world herself my brother and sister-in-love will have to come to that point in parenting that we all eventually end up at.
The point where to stunt a child's free will for the sake of feeling in control as a parent is damaging and no longer the best way to parent.
I guess what I really want, and what I struggle with is not so much to remain in control,  but to "Embrace" each season as it presents itself.
I know that being "in control" is just an illusion in this life. 
I would venture to say that the very first thing having a child helps you realize so quickly is that you are no longer in control. Being a parent means that all of a sudden your heart is walking around outside of your body. There is this other human that has a completely different will and ideas of it's very own.  
So maybe what I really sometimes wish for is that things in this life wouldn't change so quickly.
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like just when I've gotten into the groove of one particular season of life it goes and changes it all up real fast in a blender named Father Time.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum of joy, new life, being in control, and things changing SO quickly,  some beloved friends of mine recently suffered a tragic loss as their brother-in-love died in his sleep at the very young age of 36, leaving behind a 5 year old and twin 6 month old girls. 
Another beloved friend is in the thick of being a single mom with a daughter who has MS.
Three of my old beloved friends just recently lost their dads.
And yet another beloved friend is going through something right now that I'm not going to divulge the details of, but it is heart wrenching and not something I would have ever thought in a million years could happen to her.
On and on the stories go of ;
Love and Loss
Joy and Sorrow...
And here I sit with a house full of teens, a husband who loves me and I love him and our oldest daughter who just recently took her dad to prom. 
I mean who gets to witness that kind of love and devotion? 
All the while we are getting ready to graduate our first little baby girl and celebrate her as she turns 18 and her sister turns sweet 16 and we ... MoNoSco turn 21.
Sigh.
In between all the joy and sorrow I've been re-reading a book called Broken Open that one of my treasured friends gave to me several years ago.
The friend who gave me this book is a brain cancer survivor and one of my personal heroes because of her constant pursuit to grow, and heal in more ways than one. 
The book is about how hard times can either help us grow or  hinder us from life and growth and good things.
It's about more than just that though, it's about life in general because things in this life are ALWAYS changing. 
It's about seasons and how we grieve when things DO change.
 It seems that the Lover of My Soul knew I would need each and every word from this book during this time of letting go of my oldest as she graduates High School and enters the world of adulthood, and as the friends and family around me are suffering as well as rejoicing all at the same time.
My sentimental heart is on overload and when I read this the other day, well... the water works just wouldn't stop...

"So much of what we do each day is a diversion from what our lives are really about. A traumatic event like a knife slicing through our diversionary tactics and exposing the vein of truth- the truth of what we really want,of how we really feel, of wrongs we have visited upon each other, of the LOVE we crave from each other. In our habitual lives, we exercise the foolish luxuries of complaining, avoiding, and blaming. We gossip about the annoying behavior of friends or colleagues, shutting them out of our hearts, turning our backs on their complicated beauty in favor of their obvious flaws. It seems easier to do this than to move toward each other, to take responsibility when it is ours to take, or to speak directly to others when it is theirs. All the while, the TRUTH waits patiently, until it shows up in the eyes of a frightened little boy."

~Elizabeth Lesser, book Broken Open


The frightened little boy she speaks of is one of her neighbors kids who at the age of 11 is diagnosed with Leukemia and this news changes everything.
But it may as well be the news, or the TRUTH that shows up in the new life of Hailey Jo, or 
the tragic loss of life that has ended way too soon, or  the graduation of our oldest child,  or whatever it is that you are going through right now that involves change.
Whether it is expected or unexpected, change and the seasons of life always cause this sentimental heart to reflect.
I am without a doubt a Frederick the field mouse in that regard.
 Indulge me as I reflect upon all of that with you beloved reader.
Right now, Hailey's parents are her only safety from the outside world.
They are doing a phenomenal job of taking the role of parenting very seriously.
It is the responsible thing to make sure she is securely buckled up for every car ride.
My other friends are moving on and forward in helping their adult children navigate through life with only one parent who is their rock and anchor.
Still some other friends are going through the motions of living life on survival mode when everything within has been torn apart and is no longer what it seems.
Joy and Sorrow.
Love and Loss.
Embracing and Letting Go.
It's all part of this crazy wild ride we call life.
Einstein once said, 
 
"I want to know the thoughts of God, everything else is just details"

Oh Einstein, you brilliant and wise man.
I too want to be so caught up in the TRUTH of what all these changes in life are supposed to be doing in me.
 I want to know the thoughts of God about all of this and so much more.
I don't want to get hung up on silly details that really don't have any eternal value and will quickly be forgotten.
I want to be broken open to whatever it is and all the details in between that will bring life, love, and hope for the future. 
This song sums it all up for me ....

Monday, March 21, 2016

To Letting Go

 

Please excuse my silence on here as of late.

I have been going through some sort of Phoenix Process that is taking up quite a bit of my mental process time.
Normally, it's easy for me to process here on the ole bloggy poo.
Openly and quite frequently, I have been able to go thru many a season in life with you beloved reader.

But recently, the words are just not coming as easily.
One emotions rolls quite quickly into the next and I hardly have time to breathe, (let alone blog) in between processing the next chain of events that my Fabulous 4 have been forcing me to encounter.

It became quite evident today though as I was just enjoying the first day of Spring Break relaxing with my kids, and enjoying the  lack of taxi cab driving everyone everywhere that very shortly there will be one less chic in the nest.

I was upstairs reading a book... when Emma came in and told me her work schedule for the week and I realized she won't be able to go on the mini-vay-cay we have planned for our spring break.
It will be the first time in 18 years that the "fab 4" will be the fab 3 and well... that just didn't sit well with me.


So in realizing that this Spring Break will look quite different than all the rest, I am allowing myself to have some mini melt downs about the process of letting go!

I realize that even after Emma graduates this June I will still be her mom and she will still be my Em-Dilema, but our relationship will change.

I want to let her go!

I know I need to let her go!

I know it's not healthy to stunt her growth and try and keep her under my wings of protection.
I think I realized that last year sometime when she had her first heart break.
Something a mother tries to protect her baby from all their life happened and we lived thru it. 

We are stronger now for it.

And I'm grateful for her constant pursuit as the oldest child to pave the way toward independence and at the same time come back to a path that was set before her at a very young age.

I do believe, with all my heart that is the true test of a good parent. To not force a child to walk a certain path simply because it is what you know to be the "best path".

Every person, young and old has to set their own course.

There are certainly good compasses we can pass off to our children in hopes that they will see the wisdom of using a compass in the wild and raging sea that is this crazy world, but in the end it is their boat.
They have to learn to sail it however they deem worthy.





Today I am "Embracing" the fact that 
on June 10th our oldest daughter will graduate from high school and head into the uncharted waters of her young independent life.

 I'm grateful for every single moment.

God bless the oldest children or only children in every family!

  We had to learn how to be parents on her.

Sometimes we failed miserably and other times I think we got some things right.  
She has taught us how to stay humble and courageous all at the same time! 
And I know our job as Parenting isn't over come graduation day, but it is a graduation from a sort of parenting.
Our relationship will change and is changing and it's all part of this letting go. 




Friday, January 22, 2016

Embrace

I've been thinking a lot about a single word.

What word you ask?

Well now, don't rush me we will get there.


For the past 4 years I have picked a New Years Word.
Rather than focusing on goals and things of that nature, (which are all well and good I"m just not of that cloth anymore) for some time now I have prayed for God to give me a single word that would serve as a reminder all year through of something HE would want to do in my life.

I love words so this New Year's tradition kinda stuck with me like white on rice, like peanut butter and jelly, like coffee and some cream.

Ok moving on....


Last year my word was Peace and little did I know how much I was really going to need  some hard core, big time, heaping spoonfuls of Peace in my life last year.
The reminder of that word may have prompted quite a few prayers that I otherwise wouldn't have thought to cry out for.
Some of those prayers might have sounded like this....
Hey God, what the HELL is going on ?
HELP!!!
I need me some PEACE up in here!!

There were moments last year that I thought it literally felt at times like the least peaceful year of my life.
With a house full of young teenagers who are full of their own ideas and have a healthy amount of independence encroaching everyday more and more, I'm sure you can imagine what I might be talking about.
Sometimes my house literally became somewhat of a battle zone last year as I was learning to let go.
In the midst of it, and now looking back God knew that I would need his PEACE to be with me last year as I learned how to parent in a whole new way.
There were other things as well that tried to rob me of  the peace that surpasses all understanding, but God was faithful and his peace never left.
He did a great work with all the crap that went down last year there were some things that came out of the crappy fires of life that now I see as his hand alone never leaving me, never forsaking what he promised.

As I began to pray about what word could serve as a reminder to me this year I was a little hesitant because choosing PEACE last year and then having almost the opposite happen all around me was a little intimidating.

But a few weeks back I read this scripture:

"So here's what I want you to do, God Helping you:

Take your everyday, ordinary life- your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life- and place it before God as an offering. 

EMBRACING what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to it's level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you"



That is in the Message Version of the Bible, another version of this scripture from the Amplified Version reads like this:

"I appeal to you therefore, brethren and (sisterthen), and beg of you in view of all the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies (presenting all your members and faculties) as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship.
Do not be conformed to this world(this age) [fashioned after and adapted to it's external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the entire renewal of your mind [by it's new ideals and its new attitude] so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in HIS sight for you]. 

Romans 12: 1-2


As I was letting the first version marinate in my bones I became SO inspired. 

I thought about how everything that I do with this earthly vessel I am given is something that matters to God.
Sleeping, eating, going to work,  grocery shopping,  doing mountains of laundry, and just plain ole walking around.... It ALL matters to the Lover of My Soul.

 I was reminded once again that every detail of this little life matters.

Sometimes, I forget that very important detail to this re-born life.
I forget that every cry in my heart, every passion I've been given, every friendship, every word I speak or that is spoken to me it all matters. 
The enemy of our souls would like us to believe that is the furthest thing from the truth, but Oh beloved reader don't believe that because it is a total, and utter LIE from the pit of H E double Hockey Sticks!

I decided in that moment to EMBRACE that love.

His LOVE.

Simply LOVE.

In that moment I was overcome with a flood from that kind of attention.
That the God of the Universe would care about little ole' me still trips me out.
I'm blown away by His faithfulness, His unending pursuit to simply LOVE me.


The love of Jesus is beyond what I can even express in words and it penetrates through every lie spoken, or perceived about myself.


"YOUR LOVE IS LIFTING ME ABOVE ALL THE LIES"

So that my beloved reader is my New Year's word 
EMBRACE.
This year I'm choosing to Embrace fully the LOVE of my Savior and not allow this world to come and rob, kill or destroy the work that the Lover of my Soul has been doing and will continue to do with this stinky flesh until the day I die.

I'm going to embrace the love of my Savior around every corner this year. 


I want to remember that when my daughter graduates, I can embrace that moment full of his love and securely know that she will be in his hands as she has been since the day she was born.

I will embrace his love, and trust HIM  the moment my other daughter turns 16 and drives a car for the first time.

I am determined to fully embrace his love and rest in it the day my oldest son starts High School this year. 

And I won't be listening to the lies that would cause this heart to have fear about my future because his love that I will be embracing will lift me higher than fear.

I'm gonna EMBRACE it all!!
This crazy roller coaster called life.
Embracing all that God has for me this year is what I want to do.



Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Turning a Corner



The days are going by so fast my heart can hardly keep up with what my brain is telling me is really taking place. 

What is really taking place is that after we turn the corner and begin a new year 2016 will usher in one fully grown, legal young adult Scofield and another 16 year old legal to drive Scofield... And soon after those two have birthdays the youngest Scofield baby bird will have his last year of childhood before he enters into true "teen" years.


Sigh.

I tell myself, It's all normal. 
It happens everyday right before my eyes.
It's healthy and good what's happening.
But, somehow my eyes don't believe me and the water works appear for no reason...

Ok well maybe there are reasons why I've    been a weepy hot mess over here.

Anyone who has parented teenagers can tell you that it is NOT for the faint of heart.
Some would say,  (Ellen my Ma wisest woman on the face of the earth)  that in fact "Parenting is NOT for cowards!" 
And ya know what? I gotta tell ya, this past year that saying my momma has said since the day I became a mom 17 years ago has never rung more true.

I won't go into detail to respect my kids privacy but I will tell you my new favorite life analogy that makes it easier for me to sleep better at night( parents of littles take note)

I like to think of my kids as no longer being baby birds that need to be fed right from momma. 

No they are the brave, juvenile, still somewhat baby birds who haven't left the nest yet and as they prepare to spread those wings and fly some things have to happen first.

There needs to be these little flutters from four little birds that are getting ready to spread their wings and fly. 

Little flutters that some might call teenage rebellion, but I choose to see them as flutters of independence.


 I know the day is quickly approaching when they will no longer need to ask my permission about life choices. 

I'm hoping that they might still value my opinion and ask for it once in a while, but ultimately they have got to launch out of this cozy, safe, somewhat clean nest and fly into a world of unknowns and so these flutters I choose to see as them testing out their wing span.


 
I'm also truly thankful that even though I can't go with them wherever they choose to fly I know the lover of their souls will be with them at every strong wind and storm. 
I still believe that THE greatest gift I can give them as momma bird is that of faith. 

And although I don't have the ability to open their eyes to see and their ears to hear I can certainly turn their heads and hearts in a direction or a way that is a good way to walk or in this life analogy to 
FLY!

And so we will turn this corner and by the grace of God we will make it thru the brave adolescent bird years where I'm sure there will be many more wings fluttering and flapping but eventually we will see them take flight. 

Until then I will wait... And while I wait I will not be idle or full of fear for the next fluttering... I will wait upon the Lover of my Soul who will give me strength for these days ahead. 
 
The book of Isaiah chapter 40, verse 31 has some good things to say about this waiting-parenting game plan I've got going on ... There's something about soaring and flying in there too  ;) 

Nothing But Love <3 Noël



 

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Going deeper

I'm feeling the pull, the gentle nudge to go deeper.



Sometimes in the pool of life I walk in the shallow end. 
I will admit to you honestly beloved reader I don't know how to swim.
But, I'm not talking about the physical here. 
If I were I would also admit,
I like the comfort of knowing that my feet can touch the bottom of the pool.
There is safety in that.

But, I'm not talking physical.
I'm talking spiritually.

 I feel the pull to go deeper, maybe even to dive in off that board without looking back or thinking twice about a bottom.

I feel the courage mounting.
The mustard seed of faith is growing.
I'm in that line to jump off that long board. 
I'm not worried or anxious about how deep I will go or how I will swim.
I'm just ready. 

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. 
Let me walk upon the water wherever you would lead me. "

Monday, October 26, 2015

Balance





When I look at this picture all I can think of is one word;

Balance.

Ok maybe I was thinking of one word and one phrase; the word Balance mostly, but then also

                                                     THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!

If a pictures really worth a thousand words then I would say this picture is the poster child for that quote. Also my eldest child, the one photographed here, the one who made me a mom for the first time... I'm pretty sure she would be the poster child for the world Balance. I have always said of Emma Faith, that she has the best self management skills I have ever seen. The kid got up in Jr. High early so she could watch the morning news.  She would sit with her cup of coffee and  find out what the weather was going to be for the day and dress accordingly. Who does that? I mean I'm sure some of that early morning rising came because she wanted to have a cup of coffee in the quiet before her siblings woke up, but still it was a very impressive, balanced thing to do for a young lady of 11 or 12.

Balance.
When observing this photo shoot there were so many thoughts and emotions running through my brain. At this particular captured moment I was thinking...
In a matter of seconds she could've lost her balance and toppled over into the Truckee River and that would of been the end of this amazing photo shoot. The Lemaire Photo crew could've lost their balance and with very expensive cameras in hand, tragedy would ensue. Thank God that isn't what happened. They all kept their balance.

Balance.

But then the train entered this beautiful picture and I started to think about the train of life that John Mayer sings about in his song; STOP THIS TRAIN.
I'm sure if she was ever going to get distracted and fall off that chair it would've been when the big, loud train came barreling by, but she kept on being focused. The photography team kept their cool as I stood with Emma's fan following (Grandma, and Aunties) off on the sidelines and prayed for more balance and more focus.
And I thought about how I CAN'T no matter how hard I try, I can't stop this train that is coming.
The train that ushers my oldest child into adulthood is going to be here this May and I can either get on board or stand by on the sidelines trying to figure out how to make it all stop.

Balance.



It is so very easy in this life to get off balance. To let the loud trains that come as quite a surprise get you rattled and off your focus or determined purpose. I think that balance and purpose go hand in hand though. When you know your purpose in this life it takes more than a train or semi truck or tornado or .... Just about anything else under the sun to get you off track.
Her purpose and the Lemaire Photography crews purpose was to get some really awesome photos and NOT fall in the Truckee River.
My purpose for quite some time ... well almost 18 years now has been to be a good mom to 4 incredible people.
Just because one of those peoples will soon be 18 and technically a legal adult doesn't mean my role as mom is over.
It's never really over.

Balance.

Often times though it isn't the loud trains in life that get us off balance it's the little suttle things that creep in and get bigger and bigger and before you know it you've lost your balance. You've let something else consume all your time, energy and passion and when you turn around you traveled down a road you never intended to be on.
I want to stay on the purposeful roads that God has given me in this life and I want to get on board the trains of life and not buck the system of Father Time.

Balance.

In order to do this I'm learning. I'm paying very close attention to those that have gone before me. This is what I'm learning; the older I get to truly maintain balance in my life I have to let go of some things. I just can't possibly "do it all" and stay balanced. It's hard to let go. In fact I'd venture to say it's one of the hardest life lessons that I'm still learning. 



Balance. 

In regards to parenting it is THE hardest lesson to learn I'm convinced. There's a very good reason that the saying "if you love something let it go" is well known and speaks truth. It's because in order for our children to truly grow into healthly balanced young adults we have to let go of SO much. If we don't they rebel. It's not healthy to tighten the grip of control over our children right before they are expected to head out into the world and face decisions that will require them to use the only skill set they have been given. They will need to balance;  school, work, relationships, and God knows the social media department of life will need some extra hard core balance. 

Balance.

We let go of expectations and preconceived notions.
So that they can forge their own path completely and utterly different than our own.
We let go of their physical prescense always being there as they drive away from us.
So that they will feel the difference of being surrounded and supported versus being alone and quiet.
We let go of our hopes and dreams as they come up with their own.

Balance.

I'm finding that in order to keep a balance healthy relationship with my oldest daughter I have to let her go, and although my mom warned me that this would absolutely be the hardest part of parenting... I never thought that it would THIS hard. 

"Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnessary stress."

So here's to letting go, getting on board, and finding balance in it all!








Friday, October 02, 2015

The Rhythms of Life



Rhythm, I'm not talking about the musical kind like keeping the beat of a song or having moves to a dance.
There is a rhythm to this life, as opposed to the musical rhythm.

Everyone has this kind of rhythm as opposed to musical rhythm which everyone does NOT have. 

 Life Rhythms are the soft quiet way we go about our day, week, month year.

Sometimes the rhythms of life can go by so quietly that we forget to look up and see how the world has changed.
Other times, our lives rhythm can be hi-jacked by tragedy and we never really find that beat again.
And still other times we can take on someone else's life rhythms and try to adopt them as our own, all the while we are dying inside.


The rhythm of a life looks different for everyone and takes everyone a certain amount of time to find what their true rhythm is.
Some are upbeat and always on the go and this feeds their soul.
Others life rhythm is much slower and requires much more down time.

I have realized after 40 years on this planet that mine is of the latter group.

Although I do ALOT I don't function well in that  "ALOT" category or rhythm section if you will.
It has taken me many years to realize this and to be ok with it. 
It's ok now for me to know that every week I need at least two days to regroup as opposed to the one day of Sabbath that every person on the planet really needs, but often denies themselves.

Finding your life's rhythm is somehow tied into finding your true authentic self.
Some people never truly find that person that they were always intended to be.
I believe finding your true self and life rhythm comes from slowing down long enough to hear the sound, the beat of your heart.
Asking yourself questions like;

What makes my heart sing?

That's a saying that my mom has said so many times I can almost hear her saying it now with her east coast accent. It's a good questions because it opens up all kinds of other answers.
What makes your heart sing can sometimes often lead you to your rhythm of life.

"When all the world appears to be in a tumult, and nature itself is feeling the assault of climate change, the seasons retain their essential rhythm. Yes, fall gives us a premonition of winter, but then, winter, will be forced to relent, once again, to the new beginnings of soft greens, longer light, and the sweet air of spring."

I want to retain my essential God given rhythm no matter what the seasons of change may bring, and the only way I know how to do that is to check back in again and again with the rhythm maker. 
The season changer.
The life giver.
The conductor if you will.
And of course by now your wondering what the point was to this lil here blog...
Well I really just needed more Gloria Estefan in my life!

BIG SMILE


Happy October!


Blog design ©2012 Design by Alyx