Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Why? a tribute to my friend Nicole Crossman

"It must have been a place so dark you couldn't feel the light"

Driving home from work today a song from Rascal Flatts came on called, Why. It's basically about a person who commits suicide. It made me cry like a baby. It felt good to let go of some tears about this topic and especially about my friend Nicole Crossman, who is the most recent loved one lost from this crappy adjective. It felt good to feel more about her life lost because for the most part I felt anger when I would think about what she had done, but there was a line in this song that really reminded me of how funny she was and how much I really did love her. 

"You always played with passion, no matter what the game. When you took the stage you shined just like the sun."

In a million, trillion years she would never have been the friend I would think that would ever do something like this. 

"I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong."

My friend Nicole Crossman worked with kids most of her teenage and adult life. My sister met her first and then got her a job at my Aunt's school and that began her journey into Early Childhood Education. She worked at the Recreation Department for over 10 years and that's where most of my memories with her are from. She was alot fun!! She had two girls and I had the distinct pleasure of watching her younger one who was friends with my daughter, Chloe. I would bring them to preschool together and pick them up together. I have pictures in my scrapbook of the girls, of me and Nicole working at the Rec. Dept., of her and my friend Judy at my wedding.

"Now, in my mind I keep you frozen as a 17 year old."

I remember one time I sat in the car in the parking lot while my sister and Nicole went and got their hair done. I wasn't cool enough to be with the big girls but did I ever want to be cool enough. So I sat there waiting for the fun to come back.

"Now here we are gathered in our little hometown. This can't be the way you wanted to draw a crowd."

 I was sitting there crying  and in front of Isaiah. When he asked why I was crying I kept it simple with my answer but he kept wanting to know more. Then he said he was still sad about Emma's friend who had died last year in her class. I didn't even realize because he was only 3 at the time that he was paying attention to all of last springs drama with Emma's classmate,(Alex was a 10 year old boy who hung himself) but apparently he was. He also knew exactly what that song was about which is shocking to me. These little people know so much more than we give them credit for. I know that, sometimes I think I just forget how closely they are paying attention to our every move.

"Why, that's what I keep asking"

Normally, when I cry I am a silent, hidden crier. Especially where my kids are concerned but this time I just needed that release and thought I will deal with whatever comes after. So, I tried to explain to my 4 year old as best I could this subject of suicide that is something that I still don't really even understand myself. These are the times in parenting that you think, I am not prepared enough for THIS!!  I of course was age appropriate and not sharing any details and the conversation ended with us having a big long hug.

"Why you'd leave the stage in a middle of a song"

It felt good to feel.

It made me realize how long the process of emotional healing really is and how important it is not to rush through it just because it causes uncomfortable conversations with my 4 year old.
I went home and had a great afternoon with my kids and hubby, then got a phone call from my dad about a friend of my parents who was only in her 60's who passed away in her sleep. The cycle of life just keeps coming at ya!!

"Oh but I do have one burning question, who told you life wasn't worth the fight?"


I'm still Jenny From The Block said...

Sis. Thanks for the tears and the release. I cried about half way through. And I didn't remember that time we made you sit in the car. SO sorry. What a mean sister I was back then! haha.

The last line of that song hit me the hardest. Who told any of us that it's not worth the fight? I get angry at that voice that people listen to and believe. It just hurts that they are in such darkness so as to do that.

You are right. The process takes time to heal for those of us left behind. I pray for her girls now.

djandjd said...

Noel....I usually just read your blogs and then sit and ponder on them or laugh with you....but this one made me really think about the topic. I didn't know Nicole but I heard about her situation ( you know how small CC is). This is one of those topics I will never truly be able to wrap my head around....and I envy the fact that you can put it into words.

Regarding crying in front of your son, I am soooo with you on that....I am a hidden cryer, as well, and when I just happen to let the emotions take over and it's in front of my kids, it's hard to explain it in simple terms why.

Thanks for sharing this, Noel...

noel said...

Jen- Yes, well leaving me in the car was something you were fond of doing in those days. :) Not no more, now I get to hang with the cool gang all the time.
Wait til you hear the song, man. The lyrics are so spot on for this topic that anyone of us who've been touched by it can relate.

Darla- You are secret blog reader, huh? I hate that. Not that you read mine ,I am of course complimented for sure but that you don't let me know what you are thinking. Now I know though, so secrets out.
Blogging for me is so therapeutic and I debated whether I should put this down in words on the internet or written. In the end it was just easier to get out by way of typing.
About our kids seeing us cry, it is so hard for me to let them see that but sometimes I think it is good for them to know we are only human and need a little TLC every now and then.

Plucky said...

Thank you Noel . . . You are a gift . . .

Jeni said...

Noel-- I have not heard the song yet, but I can only imagine the emotions it would bring forth.

I love that you were able to process this so openly and share your thoughts with us.

scoey-d said...

Life is worth the fight. It has to be.

shontell said...

I heart you friend. :)

djandjd said...

Well, Noel....now that the secret's out, I guess I'll have to write my thoughts more often....hard to imagine that someone like me who usually has no problem verbally expressing what I'm thinking finds it difficult to write out what I'm thinking. Maybe because it's the internet and just about anyone can read what I'm thinking/feeling. Guess that's why I felt compelled to say something to you about your thoughts...
Have a fabulous weekend with your beautiful fam....

I'm still Jenny From The Block said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tmoney said...

I was here. This is a hard subject, well written friend. I feel sad that you are able to relate so much to that song, but happy that you are healing.

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