Why? a tribute to my friend Nicole Crossman

"It must have been a place so dark you couldn't feel the light"

Driving home from work today a song from Rascal Flatts came on called, Why. It's basically about a person who commits suicide. It made me cry like a baby. It felt good to let go of some tears about this topic and especially about my friend Nicole Crossman, who is the most recent loved one lost from this crappy adjective. It felt good to feel more about her life lost because for the most part I felt anger when I would think about what she had done, but there was a line in this song that really reminded me of how funny she was and how much I really did love her. 

"You always played with passion, no matter what the game. When you took the stage you shined just like the sun."

In a million, trillion years she would never have been the friend I would think that would ever do something like this. 

"I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong."

My friend Nicole Crossman worked with kids most of her teenage and adult life. My sister met her first and then got her a job at my Aunt's school and that began her journey into Early Childhood Education. She worked at the Recreation Department for over 10 years and that's where most of my memories with her are from. She was alot fun!! She had two girls and I had the distinct pleasure of watching her younger one who was friends with my daughter, Chloe. I would bring them to preschool together and pick them up together. I have pictures in my scrapbook of the girls, of me and Nicole working at the Rec. Dept., of her and my friend Judy at my wedding.

"Now, in my mind I keep you frozen as a 17 year old."

I remember one time I sat in the car in the parking lot while my sister and Nicole went and got their hair done. I wasn't cool enough to be with the big girls but did I ever want to be cool enough. So I sat there waiting for the fun to come back.

"Now here we are gathered in our little hometown. This can't be the way you wanted to draw a crowd."

 I was sitting there crying  and in front of Isaiah. When he asked why I was crying I kept it simple with my answer but he kept wanting to know more. Then he said he was still sad about Emma's friend who had died last year in her class. I didn't even realize because he was only 3 at the time that he was paying attention to all of last springs drama with Emma's classmate,(Alex was a 10 year old boy who hung himself) but apparently he was. He also knew exactly what that song was about which is shocking to me. These little people know so much more than we give them credit for. I know that, sometimes I think I just forget how closely they are paying attention to our every move.

"Why, that's what I keep asking"

Normally, when I cry I am a silent, hidden crier. Especially where my kids are concerned but this time I just needed that release and thought I will deal with whatever comes after. So, I tried to explain to my 4 year old as best I could this subject of suicide that is something that I still don't really even understand myself. These are the times in parenting that you think, I am not prepared enough for THIS!!  I of course was age appropriate and not sharing any details and the conversation ended with us having a big long hug.

"Why you'd leave the stage in a middle of a song"

It felt good to feel.

It made me realize how long the process of emotional healing really is and how important it is not to rush through it just because it causes uncomfortable conversations with my 4 year old.

I went home and had a great afternoon with my kids and hubby, then got a phone call from my dad about a friend of my parents who was only in her 60's who passed away in her sleep. The cycle of life just keeps coming at ya!!

"Oh but I do have one burning question, who told you life wasn't worth the fight?"

Solomon and the saga of the Earth worm

Solomon came in from pulling weeds today with a face so sad I thought he was going to cry. He said, "Mom, I killed a worm." It took everything within me to not bust out laughing over how distraught he was over this but, somehow I knew in my mommy knower this was one of those moments that was going to be a teachable one. He then proceeded to tell me that as he was pulling weeds he saw a worm. He said he dug around it trying to get it out but then when he pulled to get the rest of the worm out it broke. Can you say Ewwww!! He then went on to say that the worms are the protectors of the earth. I am assuming that he is getting this information from either his teachers at school or his dad who is also very bug and insect friendly. I told him of course this is misinformation and that God in fact is the protector of the earth. He created all the creatures and insects to work together perfectly and He is still in control.

So at this point he was crying and I said, "Sol they don't have a brain, or even any eyes. It's not bad because you didn't mean to kill it and although they play an important part to the echo system I think the world will still turn with one less worm on it."

After I got on the internet to show him how many worms are made in a day and that all my facts were correct I was feeling pretty good about my wonderful mothering skills and how I helped my sweet son feel better about this situation and taught him something in the process. I even felt there was somewhat of a spiritual lesson that I slyly snuck in there. So after I was feeling so good about my serious mama  skills he said, "I think why it made me cry is because it looked so gross"

"Oh,.... Oh is that all." 

I guess my mommy knower is a little off these days.

Being

I like the idea of just BEING. Not having an agenda. Not having a watch to keep track of. Not having any pressing appointments to keep. I can very easily slip into this mode of just BEING versus the mode of work and always having something pressing, pushing, waiting, doing, doing, and doing some more.

I think I could have been a nun except that I like sex. (Random, I know but I just had to go there) There is a joke about why nun's are named nun's but I digress :)

I also like to talk and so that too might have been a problem in the nun department.

They do however spend a good portion of their day just being. They grow vegetables. They pray. They cook, clean, and read. So aside from the not having sex and the talking oh and I also love my kids so that wouldn't have worked either. Oh, and I like being a part of the society not isolated from it.  Okay so I couldn't have been a nun but work with me here.

Thinking about living this life of Just Being in the midst of so much busy is a hard problem to figure out. I think God had some very good original ideas about it all though. A Sabbath is very important. A day to be just because. He knew we needed this day. We needed a day to remind ourselves of what is most important in this short time that we are here.

As the summer approaches I get very excited because I know that this is a good chunk of time that is given to reminding my children,  that being is just as important as doing. 

I would like to get to a place where I still follow this way of life that has been set before me. Somehow in the last year I lost sight of that. Seeing this in action recently made me realize how off track I  had become. 

There is another part of this just being that I also want more of and that is living my life without regret or apologies. I want to be at a place where I don't feel bad or even bothered for being different from the majority around me. I am not there yet either but even more than the day of Just Being I want everyday inside my soul to be at rest more than it has been before. 

I have grown and changed this past year in a way that has taught me a lot.  There are so many important lessons that came out of this very difficult year but probably the most important one that I don't ever want to forget is the one about BEING.

Being real.

Being present.

Being silent.

Being ready.

Being loud.

Being funny.

Being serious.

Being lazy.

Being happy.

Being sad. 

Being angry.

Being tired.

Being crazy.

Being........

Raley's

I made the conscious decision to go grocery shopping at Raley's today. I know that to do a big grocery store trip there I usually end up spending about 50 to 75 dollars more than I usually would spend at Wal-Mart or Winco but I have to say today it was worth it.

It was worth to not have to bag my own groceries. To have someone walk the second cart out to my car. To have them ask if I needed help unloading. To have room to walk down the cereal isle and to have a wide variety of fancy cheeses, olives, and wines to choose from. 

IT WAS WORTH IT!!

March- Fashion Challenge

The fashion challenge this month from friend Tasha G. was to wear a man's tie. I thought when she first emailed about this that it would be easy but turns out, not so much!!

I also have to admit that I was completely irritated with the stupid thing by the end of the day. It got in the way of everything. I suppose I could have worn one of those fancy pins for it but my honey doesn't own one and all the other pins I had to hold it down just weren't cutting it.

Also, what to wear it with was an issue for me. I had all these great ideas at first and then in the end I just wore Mo's shirt with it. If I didn't have the hat on I would have looked like a waitress. 

Anyway, I did it. It was fun and thankfully I work with people who don't mind if I walk around looking like a buffoon. Pretty much  3,4, and 5 year olds are very easily pleased when it comes to fashion :)