Life Is ...

Life is so surprising.
Today while driving around Reno Nevada in my 1966 Vw Bug that I have fondly named Lucy Blue, I had this surprising feeling that  I am home. I never in a million years would have ever thought that moving back to Nevada 2 years ago I would feel this way, but today it was like a wave of warm water washing over me, saying you are home.
I am a Native Nevadan, born at Barton Memorial Hospital in South Lake Tahoe some 40 years ago, but I have never felt like Nevada was home to me. I always had dreams of going here, there, and everywhere... really just anywhere but here. I was constantly dissin on Nevada like it was nobodies biz-niz. I made Nevada-hatin my hobby!!
So it's no surprise that when I came of age I had plans to get the heck outta here.  When I was a Senior in High School I was set to go to Azusa Pacific University. I had scholarships, I had an acceptance letter, I was all but walking out the door when the wind of change started to mess with my heart.  Or... some might say the Holy Spirit changed my heart. For reasons that my 18 year old brain made logical, I stayed in Nevada and opted to go to the local community college.
Life is so strange.
Had I gone onto pursue dreams elsewhere I would have never fallen in love with My Giant and our 21 year love story, that now includes 4 amazing people, would not be what it is today. Still, I had the bug to live anywhere but here and so did my Giant so in 2009 when financial disaster came knocking on our front door by the name of Bank of America we said see ya Nevada, or some might say... Peace Out Brown Town!! We headed up to a lush green oasis. No wait... we moved into a tiny little cabin in the woods of Washington and by tiny I mean 800 square feet of small.  6 people, and 1 bathroom an oasis it was not.  By outsiders looking in I'm sure we seemed crazy, but to our family and at that time it was exactly what we needed to heal.
Life is so beautiful.
We spent almost 4 years up there in Redmond Washington and I honestly felt as though I was in my forever home.  I never wanted to leave the PNW. I loved the rain. I came alive when it was overcast and cloudy. I breathed Oh So Deep the smells, the colors, the sights, the sounds, meanwhile My Giant was dying. Literally his physical body working the job that we needed him to work to live up there was killing him. Something had to change.

Life is so miraculous.
It was around that time that a beloved friend of ours started to contact My Giant about a business adventure. I will admit I wasn't happy about these conversations. But, I would be lying if I said that I didn't see the sparkle in my Giants eyes when he would talk to this friend.  I began to feel those winds of change again.
Life is so funny.
We took the leap of faith and moved back. I wasn't happy about it, but I knew somehow deep down in my knower that it was the absolute right thing to do. And now 2 years later a wave of confirmation came over me that I can't deny. I am home. It might not be for forever. Obviously as a Christ follower I am HOMESICK for my eternal home. Nevada may very well be our hallway to another place. But for now it is exactly where we are supposed to be and it feels pretty damn good.
P.S.
**It could have been that it was rainy and that always makes me feel like I'm home, but I'm gonna go with what I know and that is that God has done a work and changed my heart about Nevada.  I'm so glad He's not done working. Now it's your turn;    Life is... 

Goodnight Dear Void

Y a w n...
I haven't been up this early in quite some time. I woke with so much on my mind and you beloved reader were the remedy.
Sometimes it just feels good to put things out there in the void that is known as the internet.
It reminds of me of You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly says, "I don't really want an answer... I Just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight dear void"  
That was back in the day when inter-webs were so brand new and you literally did put your thoughts out there in the void of the world wide web.
Now we have places, homes,  appropriate social media boxes to put these thoughts or pictures in.
You've got twitter for an ever so brief thought. Instagram for the quick pic on the go of your life. Facebook that's just like one big party 24/7. And of course Blogspot where I have spent a good portion of my life speaking to you beloved reader.  Did you know that my blog will be 10 years old this August? It's true. That's a lot of conversations,story telling, and random thoughts that I've had with you beloved reader.
I bet by now you might be wondering what woke me up around 4a.m.? I'm kind of wondering the same thing myself. It started I think with a bad day at work and then my mind just wouldn't, couldn't shut off.
Do you ever have early mornings like this? Maybe you are having one right now with me. If so thanks for keeping me company.
I have no real point or moral to this story/blog ... just wanted to say that I'm glad you are here, oh and I wanted to share that awesome picture with you.  I took that on my Instagram Shhh.... don't tell Blogspot,  but I tend to spend more time over there now. 
Goodnight... or actually Good Morning dear void. Thanks for listening. 

20 years

Last month on June 3rd we turned 20 years old.

20 years is literally a life time.

We looked SO very different 20 years ago. 

I was only 20 years old when we got married, and My Giant was 22.

Now in our 40s it seems a lifetime ago and at the same time like only yesterday.

We spent our anniversary going up the coast of Hwy 101 in our VW bus.

This was a bucket list dream come true for us, and around every corner we were reminded that our story is HIS story and that from start to finish HE (the lover of our souls) has been binding us together in this 3 stranded cord of beauty.

I remember the first time I saw him. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. It really was love or lust at first sight for this girl. I'm gonna go with lust because I had no idea what love was at 15 years old. Yea, purty sure it was lust but not the kind that is tainted by the world. The innocent school girl crush kinda lust. I haven't stopped lusting over this beautiful man who can paint a picture that should be hung in an art museum as well as build a beautiful cabin in the woods with a porch to sit and watch the world go by. He is just a man, but in a world when so many men have been weighed, measured, and found wanting ...  He is a MIGTHY GOOD MAN! For those of  you who want to read  more on our beginnings, the whole long lust/love story that really is a good one if I don't say so myself, you can go here : Hashtag MoNoSco But for today I want to talk a bit about what 20 years have looked like and I'm not going to leave out the nitty gritty stuff that we know all marriages are made of. Before I let you in to this most treasured corner of my heart and life beloved reader, know this; There are moments that I will never share with you because they are sacred.  In every life there should be moments that are kept under what the Jewish Rabbi would call the Chuppah !! This was and is a symbol that goes way back that signifies a set apartness from the rest of the maddening world. The couple stands under the Chuppah to declare to the rest of the world that this union is set apart and only they will know what goes on under the covering of the Chuppah. I love this tradition and have adopted it in my own marriage even though I'm not Jewish I recognize the value in this beloved act. There are moments of this relationship that I will never share with my best friends, mom, sisters, or anyone else who is trying to weasel there way into this most sacred spot. That being said, I will share with you that these past 20 years have not all been filled with wine and roses. 

There have been moments of total sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, irritation and full on close to hate.  I can't say that I've ever hated Moses, but I have come close to feeling that scary disconnect with him and it's in these moments we have looked for help. It is also in those moments that I know the grace of God was/is at hand because neither one of us is opposed to being open about the fact that we have needed help.
We started our marriage with pre-marriage counseling and in the 20 plus years we've been together we have gone to counseling a couple of times, and I'm sure that we probably will go again. I'm beyond grateful that we both have been willing to be honest about that. I think it's SO important to realize in a relationship when you need help and don't be ashamed to get it.  Honestly, I don't know a single solitary couple who hasn't needed some kind of outside help to keep their marriage on a healthy path.
Why we don't recognize and celebrate the counseling as much as we celebrate the anniversaries and Valentine's Days I will never know, because to me that's when the real intimacy takes place.    So there is some of our nitty gritty. Now on to the mushy gushy. This is the part that everyone loves to read about, myself included. This is the part where I tell you when we had our first child, Emma I fell more in love with My Giant who was weepy over the sight of his brand new baby girl. This is the part where I tell you that not only do I love this man because he has fathered 4 children, but he has truly been an inspiration to me in many ways with how he takes the time to sit and have deep talks with our 4 kids.
This is the part where I tell you that sometimes when he gets dressed in the morning and he comes out looking all HOT and stuff, my little heart still goes pitter-patter! I love that he makes me breakfast on a regular basis. He makes me laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants on a daily basis.  Those are just some of the good things that I choose to stay focused on when we hit those rough patches. I know you've heard this and if you haven't then I'm happy to be the first place you read it, but 
LOVE REALLY IS A CHOICE I don't disagree with my mom often, if ever, but this is one of those times that after all these years I can honestly say that when she has said for years "You can't tell the heart who to love" I would have to disagree.
YOU absolutely can tell the heart who to love and you have to tell it again and again and again! Moses was my high school girls crush 24 years ago and he became my life's choice 21 years ago  and I'm choosing him again.

I'm telling this heart who to love and continue to love well.

It may have been lust all those years ago but it has grown into this beautiful thing. This amazing, wonderful, astounding thing called  LOVE.
And after all these years I'm beyond grateful that he is still my favorite, and that our love story is still ongoing, and I'm still a lusty hot mess over here for that man !!