Monday, October 25, 2010

1 year later

I had a total melt-down moment tonight.
It has been a start to finish beyond busy Monday.
The kind where you don't have time to really eat, pee, or even breathe!
From 6:30 this morning until almost 8p tonight I didn't have one single moment alone.
Then while waiting in the car for Sol to come out of Cub Scouts, all alone at approximately 7:55p, it hit me.
We have been living here in Washington for a year now.
I felt at that moment in the car alone with no one but me and my Creator a deep sigh of grief.
I breathed in and out, 3 long breaths and the floodgates opened up.

It's hard to believe that one year ago, I was arriving here in Washington with my family of 6 to live in a tiny little cabin in the woods. The Pacific Northwest still doesn't feel like home, but at least I don't feel like we are on just a really long vacation anymore :) Whether that is a good or a bad thing I don't know.
What I do know is that putting down roots in a new home takes some time. Time is something we mark with birthdays, holidays, and other such traditions. So this time of year especially always reminds me of a few things that are just not the same anymore.

Tonight I realized this time of year will never be the same anymore.
For a moment I had it really great.
Now I will just have to redefine great.
All of my immediate family living in one state as grown-up adults that was great.
Now great has to be at least that we all live here in the States again :) and also that none of us have passed away.
I can still call anytime I want to hear a voice on the other end and that is something great that I took for granted before, something really great is being able to hug my family whenever I want to. I just now have to buy a plane ticket to do it.

A good friend reminded me recently of the importance of grieving and so I guess that's what I am doing tonight.
I feel like I have been grieving for while now, and not just about moving away from all my family and friends, but about a lot of pain and sorrow that I have seen all around me.

I realize that this post is one that might get deleted because I don't usually like to grieve publicly.
I guess I have always been a private crier and therefore a kind of a private griever.
I think it mostly comes from not liking to be too vulnerable, but also because chances are after a good night sleep it will all feel so different in the morning.

Tonight though it feels good to cry.
I am crying over being too far away from friends and family.
I am crying over the struggles in marriages around me.
I am crying over the failing health of loved ones.
Over loneliness, brokenness, and despair that I see on the faces all around me.
And then over my own selfishness and humanity.
It feels selfish to cry when I have a roof over my head, my health, food in my belly, and the love of my amazing family, but still here I sit with tears and it really also feels SO good.


Euskualduna said...

You know it is odd. How sometimes you get so worn out all you can do is cry. For some reason when one cries you seem to try to figure out why. Thinking of all the things in the world. How quickly you can become overwhelmed.
You my friend have such a big and kind soul. And are so good at sharing that with all of us. I feeling so blessed to have you on my side. But please know I am on your side to. It is good to cleanse with a good cry. Something very freeing. I love you with all my heart and at times grieve our friendship, how it was, but just have to adjust to how it is now and remember we will forever be friends and you will always be a part of my life..
Love you dear friend

noel said...

Hey there Christene- I didn't know you have a blog? I was reading this comment thinking, "who the hell is Euskualduna?" i am assuming this means something in basque?? I love you too. SO MUCH and thank you for your kind words of encouragement. they mean so much to me as you already know being that I am a HUGE words person.
Yep, a good hard cry was all I needed and I feel much, much better now.

shontell said...

HA! i read this before you deleted. Don't whimp out. it's a good read. Miss you too.

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