1 year later

I had a total melt-down moment tonight.
It has been a start to finish beyond busy Monday.
The kind where you don't have time to really eat, pee, or even breathe!
From 6:30 this morning until almost 8p tonight I didn't have one single moment alone.
Then while waiting in the car for Sol to come out of Cub Scouts, all alone at approximately 7:55p, it hit me.
We have been living here in Washington for a year now.
I felt at that moment in the car alone with no one but me and my Creator a deep sigh of grief.
I breathed in and out, 3 long breaths and the floodgates opened up.

It's hard to believe that one year ago, I was arriving here in Washington with my family of 6 to live in a tiny little cabin in the woods. The Pacific Northwest still doesn't feel like home, but at least I don't feel like we are on just a really long vacation anymore :) Whether that is a good or a bad thing I don't know.
What I do know is that putting down roots in a new home takes some time. Time is something we mark with birthdays, holidays, and other such traditions. So this time of year especially always reminds me of a few things that are just not the same anymore.

Tonight I realized this time of year will never be the same anymore.
For a moment I had it really great.
Now I will just have to redefine great.
All of my immediate family living in one state as grown-up adults that was great.
Now great has to be at least that we all live here in the States again :) and also that none of us have passed away.
I can still call anytime I want to hear a voice on the other end and that is something great that I took for granted before, something really great is being able to hug my family whenever I want to. I just now have to buy a plane ticket to do it.

A good friend reminded me recently of the importance of grieving and so I guess that's what I am doing tonight.
I feel like I have been grieving for while now, and not just about moving away from all my family and friends, but about a lot of pain and sorrow that I have seen all around me.

I realize that this post is one that might get deleted because I don't usually like to grieve publicly.
I guess I have always been a private crier and therefore a kind of a private griever.
I think it mostly comes from not liking to be too vulnerable, but also because chances are after a good night sleep it will all feel so different in the morning.

Tonight though it feels good to cry.
I am crying over being too far away from friends and family.
I am crying over the struggles in marriages around me.
I am crying over the failing health of loved ones.
Over loneliness, brokenness, and despair that I see on the faces all around me.
And then over my own selfishness and humanity.
It feels selfish to cry when I have a roof over my head, my health, food in my belly, and the love of my amazing family, but still here I sit with tears and it really also feels SO good.