A Remedy To Worry and Anxiety

For as many, many years ...as far back as I can remember   my most favorite verse from the Bible has been Philippians chapter 4 verses 6-7. The text reads like this; (this is the Amplified version cause I like words... a lot) "Do not fret or have any anxiety about ANYTHING, but in every circumstance and in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with THANKSGIVING, continue to make your wants known to God.  And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of it's salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends ALL understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
(if you don't like so many words try finding this verse in the New Living version or NLT)
I have only memorized a few verses in the Bible over the many, many years that I have been reading  it's amazing-nes, and this verse was one that I could even tell you where to find it in that big ole book. 
The reason for this being my favorite, or as some would call it a "life-verse" is because believe it or don't, I am a very anxious person. I used to worry about everything, and therefore didn't sleep real well at night. So when I first came upon this verse I thought about how much it made sense to me that if I just brought my prayers with thanks to God the worry and anxiety would go away.  I'm here to tell you that honestly it worked a little, no actually it worked a lot, when I practiced praying about EVERYTHING.  Often times, I will admit though to you beloved reader that I didn't pray.  Instead I would fixate on the worry and then it soon would turn to anxiety, and then I soon would pour myself a glass of wine instead.  I'm just being honest.  This remedy has become like a muscle now though that if I work it, it grows HUGE and works every time. 
Still, there has been something missing for me all these years ... like a hole in a donut... mmm donuts... wait ok come back to me my thoughts. For a very long time,  I'm talking like over 30 years now... (insert wide eyed emoticon and granny emoticon too while you are at it) I haven't read these verses in succession of the following verse 8. 
Until the beginning of this year, I just memorized Phil 4:6-7 and verse 8 stood alone on an island that seemed unreachable.  I mean I read verse 8, but not with the company of verse 6 and 7. 
It's hard to explain that you can read something a million times and then suddenly read it, like it's the very FIRST time you have ever read it. 
Does that ever happen to you, am I alone here? Well, I'm here to say verse 6, 7, and 8 are BEST FRIENDS and should be kept together at ALL TIMES!
Here is verse 8 text; "For the rest, (or AND THEN) brethren and sister-then, whatever is TRUE, whatever is WORTHY of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE,  whatever is LOVELY and LOVABLE, whatever is KIND, and WINSOME and GRACIOUS, if there is any VIRTUE, and EXCELLENCE, if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ON THESE THINGS." When I read it this time it read like this to me; 
 STOP thinking about what isn't true, false imaginations, rehearsed arguments in your head only, scary and unsure things, lies about yourself and others.  
It basically said to me, think on GOOD things. 

Somehow, at the beginning of this year, verse *8 stuck OUT to me like it was in NEON lights.  AND this is what suddenly came to me like Oprah talks about having an AWE HA moment,  or is it Ha ... AW HA ? Whatever, you get what I'm saying, it made me think about these verses like a math equation for the problem,  for the very real issue of worry and anxiety in my life. Problem to solve ; 
Worry and Anxiety
Solution; 
Prayer + Graditude+ Thinking on Good THINGS= PEACE. Now, beloved reader I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, but even if you are not I think we can all agree that pausing to pray or meditate, living thankfully for what you do have, and staying focused on good things is truly a remedy for this worrisome and anxious time.
Here are some of my prayers with thanks these days;
For those that are having trouble breathing, I pray healing, and thank God for the air in my lungs. For those that are in positions of leadership, I pray wisdom, and thank God for eternal wisdom. For those who are already feeling financial burdens unexpected, I pray for relief and thank God for provisions unseen.  For those that feel alone right now, I pray comfort and good neighbors that have eyes to SEE them, and I thank God for all those who are currently looking for ways to be a good neighbor.  God make me a good neighbor.  For those that are international students that can't fly home, I pray for surrogate moms and dads to shelter these and doors to open all over to strangers that soon will become family, and I thank God for family. For those that work in the health field and are on the frontlines of this virus, I pray protection and I thank God for miracle workers.
I pray too for you dear reader that you might have peace that surpasses all understanding,  peace like a river, peace that calms this storm and leads you beside quiet waters,  Peace that is that tranquil state of your soul.  

Joy in Jen Hatmaker

Ok y'all can I just pretend that I'm a southern belle for hot minute? What is bringing me SO much JOY right now is listening to my gurl Jen Hatmaker (you can find her here) on her blog or her podcast on Spotify which is titled,
 FOR THE LOVE.
I stumbled upon her podcast the other day when I was scrolling Spotify, and whimsically looking for some funny talkers. The title of her podcast just struck a chord of joy in my heart so I gave it a listen.  She arranges her podcast in FOR THE LOVE series like; For the Love of Faith Icons, For the Love of Power House Women,  For the Love of Finishing Strong etc.  The first podcast I listened to, and the one that caught my attention right away was her recent interview with the beloved Beth Moore. Beth is a bible study teacher from way back when, (another Southern gal)  that I have gleaned so much from over the years. The interview, well as the southern would say, "it just dilled my pickle!" From that podcast on I have been in full blown stalking Jen Hatmaker mode... not really just on social medias and books, and I promise I won't end up outside your house Jen... unless you invite me to, then I'd gladly sit down with you on any given Sunday and share a cup of.... well, anything your drinking girl, cause I like your Kool-Aid !! As I quickly discovered Jen has been "busier than a moth in a mitten!"  She is the momma of 5 kids, pastors wife, speaker, writer, non profit organizer, and funny all around southern belle, etc.  As, I dug a little deeper into the vortex that is Hatmaker, Jen INC.  I found out that I had known of her and her work many moons ago. Little did I know, or remember but, I had actually read one her books titled  Seven An Experimental Mutiny Against Access, many many, suns and moons ago when we lived in Redmond Washington in an 800 sq ft cabin and I was desperately looking for ways to minimize. Do y'all remember that phase in the Scofield story book? Well, let me remind you it goes something like 6+6+ 800 sq ft = ADVENTURE TIME!! That's the trimmed down version if you remember or lived that time with us just skip ahead, if not here's a more detailed account; When one lives 12 miles outside of Seattle, one tends to find the activist books, the revolutionary ways of life, the culture of recycle, renew, repurpose quite easily. I believe I bought her book in a book store because... Amazon prime was not even a thing yet, and the reason I found it was because the category and department I was shopping in those days was all about REDUCE, REUSE, RECYLE, or something like that.   Boy howdy did that book challenge my sox right off to downsize and re-prioritize our little(no so little) family of 6... that's right  S I X people living in only 800sq ft.  Sidenote- I still can't believe that we lived in that tiny cabin for 4 years and I double can't believe that the last year we added 6 more, that's right I said S I X more.  We added 6 to our already overcrowded 6 humans. We had a DOZEN, 12, TWELVE, ....  people sharing 800 sq ft. and one bathroom, on a septic tank, no dishwasher, and one source of heat, an old wood stove.  To be fair to the sanity level of us all Moses and Dan did build a beautiful outhouse for us all to partake in. If you don't believe me or remember this season here's proof... it really did happen.  Oh how beloved that outhouse became ...

Those were the days!! (insert wide eyed emoticon here) After I devoured her book and gave her props for taking her Texas style life down a notch,  I passed that book on to my sister and then had forgotten about her entirely. Shh... please don't Jen because we are quickly becoming BFF's in my mind.  The book Jen and I are going thru together right now(did you like that, we are in this together) is brilliantly titled, Of Mess and Moxie. Every night, you can find me cozied up in bed with this book and laughing with Jen about her beautiful life. Y'all this book has made me happier than a hound dog with TWO tails ! Speaking of hound dogs tell me your thoughts, about a coon hound puppy making it's way into my life right now? This is just a short and sweet update of what is bringing me buckets full of JOY right now, so if you are looking for a lil sweet, crazy funny, pure JOY too,  give my gurl a lookie Lou, and tell her I sent you right over like Red Rover. 

A Study on Joy Part 1

I have been really enjoying my new word for 2020
J O Y
In the years past I have looked up all the quotes associated with my new year word as a way of just trying to stay focused on the word, and stay in the mode of learning and growing in that word for the year ahead.
This year I have to admit that I've been praying a lot to get a good handle on the word JOY. 

I have always felt that Happiness and Joy are so similar it's hard to find the difference between them. 
There is indeed a difference beloved reader.
"Happiness depends on things that happen.  Joyfulness is never touched by external conditions." -Oswald Chambers-
That quote pretty much sums it up ... I read it and thought well... thank you Oswald no need to look any further. But, I do want to ... HAMMER TIME... break it down for ya...
To me this means that I can have bad days when I don't feel happy at all, but JOY remains deep down in my soul as an anchor because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this bad day will pass, and JOY will come in the mourning.
"There may be pain in the night, but JOY comes in the morning" Proverbs 30:5
We all have times of sorrow, loss, grief, and just plain ole everyday bad days, and that scripture doesn't diminish those moments, days, or even years.  To me it speaks of hope for the future and an internal condition that can't be touched by the external. External things are SO big sometimes that they can suck the life out of any happy hiker on this trail of life, but JOY still remains deep, deep down below the surface of things.
This is a place of knowing and believing that;  "The best is yet to come!"
It's not just a catchy phrase on a bumper sticker... or a t-shirt you wear on a happy day... it's a lifestyle trait of one who KNOWS that this too shall pass, and there will be a new, and different day. A day that is; "Fresh ... with no mistakes in it."
More on this train of thought is in my noggin, but for now, that's all I've got.
I'd love to hear from you beloved reader on your thoughts regarding joy vs. happiness.

New Year, New Word, and New Relationships

Well hello there beloved reader and Happy Happy New Year!! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and are ready for 2020.  It has been a bit since I've had time to write down some words that are worth sharing.  I sit and type these words with a full heart and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this beautiful life. For a whole month I had all 4 of my Fab4 home and we had some fun making memories together. The sink was overflowing.  The shoes left around the house were being tripped over. BUT the memories being made were a priceless treasure to me. As I put Chloe back on a plane to NY Friday morning I didn't cry, there was no moping..(ok maybe a lil mopey later that afternoon, but I think that's only because the caffeine wore off) mostly there was  only  'Comfort and Joy' knowing that our time together was well spent.  I'm sure the reason for that comfort and joy is because of some thoughts I want to share with you beloved reader.   

I have been thinking that with this new year I would like to set a (dare I say the word...) GOAL to write more frequently, but that being said let me tell you about the relationship I have had with the word goal.  I'm not sure why, but somewhere along the years I stopped being friends with the word "goals." Maybe, its my non-committal attitude(even though I've been committed for 25 years now to one amazing man) or my live  "foot loose and fancy free" inner spirit of spontaneity that resists the word GOALS, but this year I have decided we should be friends again. It's not that I ever thought it was bad to have goals, but whenever I set them in years past, pre New Years word era, I epically failed at them.  In the years when I was a goal setting person if I didn't meet the goal I set I would get utterly depressed, or as Anne with an  'E' would say I fell into, "the depths of despair" so I just decided we were not going to be friends anymore.  But, this year there is a stirring to re-kindle that relationship of having goals or at least think about having goals.  Instead of having goals for several years now I have prayed for a word to inspire my year in a broad non committal way this has worked wonders in keeping me out of that depth of despair failure frame of mind.  Last year however,  my New Years Word was Rejuvenate and boy howdy did I love, and become friends with that word.  I wanted desperately to bring back into my life some things that I had long let go of for no in-particular reason.   What I learned in the process of this word taking action in my life  was that part of rejuvenation taking the drivers seat of life you have to allow for the doors of your soul to be opened back up to what may have been set aside for survival sake. The word Rejuvenation is not a "survival mode" word and that's what I wanted, and set out to do and prayed would happen last year. I wanted to get out of survival mode life, and into a more intentional way of living and being. Thankfully, setting that word at the forefront of my soul as an intention WORKED!!  So much so, that now I'm open to this New Year having some goals, and like a cherry on top I will add a WORD of intention. My main goals for this year I will keep private for now, just because this relationship is new and ya know you can't go blasting new relationships on Social media too soon... LOL!! However I'd love to share with you beloved reader My NEW word for this year, which came to me by way of a quote I saw on Social media right before Christmas; "fling wide, then, the portals of your soul.  He will come with that LOVE which you long to feel; he will come with that JOY into which you cannot work your poor depressed spirit, he will bring PEACE which now you have not;  he will come with his flagons of wine and sweet apples of love, and CHEER you till you have no other sickness but that of love o'erpowering,  LOVE DIVINE."  -Charles Spurgeon
That quote really resonated with me, not because I didn't already have Joy or Peace in my life, but both of these things I could always use more of. Then after my birthday I saw this sign, that I fell in deep like with... so  I treated myself to this sign that I do believe I might leave up all year as a reminder of what brings me "Comfort and Joy."

And JOY is the word for me in 2020. Unspeakable  Joy  is  Rising in my Soul... As I was looking back at last years blog post for the New Years word I read what I wrote at the end of  my blog regarding joy; "There is joy once again. Joy that doesn't pass away with the cruel, harsh winds of life. Joy that is the underlying current of my heart. Joy that isn't affected by how much is in my bank account or my closet. Joy that doesn't leave me even though two of my four are no longer under my roof. (currently only one who left for NY is now no longer under this roof)  Joy from knowing my source of rejuvenation will never leave me or forsake me.   Joy in my salvation."
It's a funny thing when you read your own words and are like ... ya that's what I'm talking bout!! Circumstantial joy will come my way this year by way of;  my parents 50th anniversary  my 25th anniversary  Solomons graduation from High School Chloes graduation from Culinary Institute of America  Emma auditioning for the Voice again Isaiah starting his sophomore year on Monday at Carson High where both Mo and I graduated and I'm sure many other joys. 
But, my intent is that joy would still exude from my soul even when it's just a Tuesday afternoon and I come home to a sink full of dishes.  I hope and pray and intend to study more about the word Joy and continue to be friends with the word 'goals' and even do more than think about setting some goals. 
So here's to all that and more! Happy 2020 beloved reader,  there is  Nothing But Love for you here!

Let's Talk Kayne West .... and Jesus

I was recently made aware of the new Kayne West album Jesus Is King.
I will admit I have not really ever been a fan of his, mostly because I don't really care for rap music all that much. I can listen to it in small amounts, but my young adults really seem to gravitate to this genre of music so I try to learn the artists they are listening to so, if nothing else I can rap along with them ... I probably can rap like maybe.... two three words and then my appreciation for this genre of music expands greatly because it is NOT easy to do. Needless to say,  I really like rap songs that have singing at the chorus, because then I can really participate in the song.  All that to say I know nothing about Kayne West except that he's married to Kim Kardashian(which I'm embarrassed to admit that's all I know), AND about 5 months ago I watched an interview with him and David Letterman. In this interview my radar for him went up because at the end of the interview he starts talking about this new music project he's doing AND that he is having CHURCH services on SUNDAYS!! (Insert wide eyed emoticon here) I went on the inter webs and tried to find every link, every  YOU- tube, every amount of info there was about what this man Kayne was up to, and my heart got all kinds of excited that he might be a brother now in the faith walk called Christianity.  Then this album came out and that excitement turned into full blown chills of Holy Spirit confirmation that this is a brother from another motha! 
Now, this is what I want to talk about in one of his songs he says about the Christians being the ones to judge him for this brand new insight and public display of praise and adoration for Jesus. It makes my heart so sad that the people group that should be the MOST supportive, the MOST encouraging, the MOST welcoming is often times found on the other side of that fence.  WHY is that? THIS SHOULD NOT BE.
I want to scream ... but of course I don't .... but I really want to scream out WHO MADE YOU THE JUDGE, THE JURY, and THE END ALL BE ALL for who is a Christian who isn't ?  What a pompous and un-Christ-like position to be found in. When you think you have it all figured out, and you get to say who is in or who is out... God forgive you for trying to take a seat in the THRONE of THRONES.  Only ONE gets that honor, privilege, and role and that is the DIVINE creator of all. This is why I love Jesus because all that I can see in the gospels is love. He had nothing but LOVE for all people except the religious hypocrisy that he saw in people. He still loved those who were judgmental hypocrites, but boy oh boy did he speak out against them. 
In the gospel of Mark 9:38-41 Jesus disciples come to him and say basically we are noticing these people coming out and doing work in your name, but they aren't one of us .. and Jesus probably with a wide eyed emoticon look on his face tells his friends, and followers, "Whoever is not against us, is for us!" I love this about Jesus because his main mission in walking among us was to welcome and save ALL people! You don't have to be anything but human, you don't have do anything but believe, and if you happen to express your love and adoration for Jesus in a rap song you better believe he's up there jamming with you!
Now, if you happen to read this and haven't yet listened to this new album go now and get your jam on. My favorite song is God Is. 
That's all for now ... happy listening and rapping along. 

Don't Wish it Away

I woke up this morning with Elton Johns lyrics in my head, "Don't wish it away Don't look at it like it's forever Between you and me I could honestly say That things are only gonna get better" I have no doubt that this song was on my brain because this past weekend I got to finally see the movie about Elton Johns life- Rocket Man. If you haven't already seen this epic movie, and IF you're an Elton fan do yourself a favor and go rent it right now. It is one for the library of keepers. But, I think this song was on my brain more for the lyrics themselves, and not just because I recently saw this beautiful mans life story.  I've been trying really hard to stay in the present moment, and not reflect too much on the past with weepy emo thoughts, or project too anxiously upon the future.
I'm thinking about all the years when the kids were little and the day to day was so much more difficult for me physically. 
I spent a good portion of those years "wishing them away" with thoughts like; 'I can't wait until...  they can do their own laundry make their own lunches bathe themselves buckle themselves in walk to the car feed themselves  WIPE THIER OWN BUTTS (just keeping it real) etc...' All the moms and dads of littles know full well what I'm talking about right now.
It's not that I wasn't completely grateful for their precious little souls, it's just that they were all consuming at the time and there was literally no time, (not even to go to the bathroom) that was my own. It's a very self sacrificing time raising littles. Your time is no longer your own and you either get up real early, or stay up way late to get ANYTHING done. 

Fast forward 21 years later into this parenting gig, and I think about how many days I wished away what I now look back upon so fondly. I can't go back and take those thoughts away, but I can work very hard right now in this present moment to be grateful for where we are all at now.
Oh beloved reader I am SO grateful that not only did I survive those early years, but I can honestly say, things will only get better.
That's all I wanted to shout out into the universe today.
If you are a parent struggling with the present moment of where your kids are at stay strong and listen to Elton... don't wish it away, and if I can add to that don't fast forward it either. Let your kids be kids and make messes, and wear funny clothes, and sing that song again for 1000x because dear one that will be the stuff they remember. Don't worry about the do-list and just be with them... that stuff will all get done... or it won't maybe for today and it's really ok. The dishes and laundry will ALWAYS be there but their sweet little souls will grow up and soon live a very independent healthy lives outside of your scope. Enjoy the moments of nothing-ness.  Enjoy the moments of play. Enjoy the chaos and make it count!!


Also, if there are any among you beloved readers, who feel like encouraging ME for this young adult stage in life I'd love to hear from YOU! 
 

She Walks In Grace

I've been reading a lot of poetry lately, and it has inspired me to write again. For so long I haven't had much to say, but reading others inspirations has given me some of my own. I hesitate to admit that I wrote this poem in almost a plagiaristic way from the poem written by George Gordon, Lord Byron - "She walks in beauty" I suppose if you read the poem(which you should) you will see I only stole the first few words, "She walks" because they inspired me to think about the way I want to be noticed for how I walk out this life.  So here is to my everlasting love of words and to poetry.  I hope you enjoy ….

  She walks in Grace She kneels in Solitude She waits in Hope She listens actively She works with Encouragement She sows in Peace She loves with Passion She fights for Justice She grows in creativity  She shapes with words She plays while dancing She parents humbly She sings with joy She plants in the future She praises in reverence  She partners eternally. 

Music Changes Everything

(PC-Daniel Piker)
There is something so amazing to me about music and how it changes the atmosphere. I'm sitting here listening to Billie Holiday, typing these words and feeling that all is right in the world, simply because she is serenading me while I blog about music in my life.   
“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything.” ― Plato   I woke up this morning thinking about how grateful I am for the power of music, and how it has built and shaped me.
I grew up in a very musical household.
My dad was a DJ for close to 30 years of his early career. My favorite stories are those recollections of when he met several famous people up in Lake Tahoe from interviewing them over the years. His record collection is beyond amazing because of the years in the music industry.
There was ALWAYS music on in the Pellant house, and often times he would have us kids come to work with him and do commercial spots or just chill there with him while he spun his discs round and round. Because of his love for music and artists, I soon became a big jazz music fan. My dad comes alive when jazz music is playing in the background.  As a young girl I remember thinking how happy it made me to see him tapping his foot or bobbing his head to the tunes from Louie, Ella, or Billie.
“A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.” ― Leopold Stokowski
My mom comes from a musically talented family that to this day just amazes me. I remember her parents, my grandparents, singing and playing the organ and accordion all the time. There was always a show happening in the LeSage home.  My LeSage grandparents wrote songs together that thanks to my Uncle Gene we still have recorded and can now treasure for years to come.

My mom used to be in a band with her 3 brothers and would tell stories of singing in front of people even though she was incredibly shy. My Uncle Gene can sing in a tone that you would swear Elvis is Still in the building, and my Uncle Jimmy... well he's without a doubt a musical genius.
You can sing just about any tune to my Uncle Jimmy and even if he has never heard a lick of the song before in his life, his fingers get to working on the piano, and they get going so effortlessly that you would think in a matter of minutes he not only has played the song before, but that maybe he should have written and composed it himself because he will add licks and sounds that make it sound even better than the original ! In all of my life I have never met a more talented musician than my Uncle Gene and Uncle Jimmy.
“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.” ―Albert Einstein 
With all this talent and appreciation for music is it any wonder that young Noël found herself singing to her moms records of Karen Carpenter's songs for hours and hours just to sound like one of her mom's favorite singers?   Early on it was evident that I loved to sing.
Fun fact for ya- I took 7 years of voice lessons from Mr. Peebles in Carson City, and soon started to have solos and parts in musicals that still to this day I look back on in awe that I was able to do that.  I can carry a tune without a doubt, but performing was not my jam. Like my mom, I was terribly shy and often times when I would stand in front of an audience I would look out from the stage and think ...  "What the HELL am I doing up here?"
Needless to say, that extreme shy quality was indeed a hinderance in further pursuing a life of music and performing. Thankfully, in my early teen years I came to know the lover of my soul and singing to him ... well that's a different story. 
 “Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.” ― Frank Zappa

Fast forward to present day, where I received one of the most amazing gifts a momma can receive ... a song from my oldest about lil ole me. 

What a gift!! I was a weepy hot mess of course after listening to the words, and the sound of her voice singing of days gone by. I look everyday for new songs created by my oldest daughter who lives in Seattle now. I search high and low on all her social media outlets, just longing for the sound of her voice. I wonder how in the world did this come to be, that she isn't afraid of the audience.  She is so brave in her pursuit for authentic songs that tell her story. My son Solomon has now taken on the hobby of making music on his computer and although he is very private and shy about his musical talent much like his momma, when he does share one of his creations I jump up and down on the inside with giddy school girl excitement. My son Isaiah plays the saxophone and piano and has a gorgeous manly man voice that truly astounds me.  And even Chloe who doesn't like to be recognized for her musical talent can truly carry a tune with all the rest of us and has such a beautiful voice as well.  
I can hardly believe that my DNA produced 4 kids who have this appreciation for music,and more talent musically than I have in my pinky finger. I hope and pray the musical gene continues to go on for generations to come. 
I suppose this blog is a bit indulgent, and there really isn't a moral to this story except to say,  That music truly does change everything!
So don't deprive yourself any longer...  
"Girl(or boy)put your records on" 
Sing and dance and let the soul have a reprieve from it all.

New Years Word 2019

At the beginning of every year I pray for a word that will bring me back to a theme if you will, for all of the new, fresh days ahead. 
This will be the 8th year of "New Year Words"  for me, and it's hard to believe that over these past years of words that center me all year, how truly prophetic they have become. 
In years past, the word usually has been something brewing in my heart for some time, and some years the word comes out of no where. This year the words I kept thinking about started with RE- Re-new Re-store Re-awaken Re-pent Re-pair Re-vive Re-generate And finally I came upon the word that encompasses them all 
REJUVENATE
When I looked up the definition of this word which is the first thing I do when I'm given my new years word, it had this phrase;
"To BREATHE new life into"
Last year my word was BREATHE and true to form this word served me oh so well.
There were so many moments in 2018 that like a mantra I would tell myself to just "breathe" when life tried to take my breathe away. I'm sad to see this word go because like I've said before these words become like a friend to me over the course of 365 days. Still, it is time to move forward and take what I can from the moments that my breathe and the Holy Spirit that is breathe, centered me last year.
As  I walk into 2019 knowing that there are some things in my life that I need to "Breathe new life into" I think about what needs to be rejuvenated in my heart so it doesn't begin to harden.
My grandmother used to say,  "If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart." Of course to truly repeat these words as she would say them so often, it must be said with an east coast accent with emphasis on HEART.
One of the main areas of my heart that I want some rejuvenation to appear is that of my walk with God. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that as I look to him to rejuvenate my dreams, my hopes, my health, and so many other areas of my life he will be faithful.   For far too long I have walked in worry and anxiety when peace and serenity are what he offers me. I've walked in doubt and fear when faith and hope are what he freely gives.
I've walked this path of faith and salvation for many years now, but there are times in this faith walk when my step has been either a tad bit behind or ahead of him.  My hearts cry today is that I will once again hold his hand in faith and trust what he has for me.  That the areas of my heart and my life will be once again rejuvenated by his presence and love.  I desperately want a steadfast spirit in the days ahead.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit."    Psalm 51:10-12
Today, I'm sitting here on this Sunny Sunday morning here in Reno Nevada and my heart is filled with so much joy. Because although, I'm not always in step with him in an instant that all can change.  There is joy once again. Joy that doesn't pass away with the cruel, harsh winds of life. Joy that is the underlying current of my heart. Joy that isn't affected by how much is in my bank account or my closet. Joy that doesn't leave me even though two of my four are no longer under my roof.  Joy from knowing my source of rejuvenation will never leave me or forsake me.   Joy in my salvation.
I want my heart to stay full of love and all the fruits that come by way of hanging out with the lover of my soul.   "Surprise us with love at daybreak;  then we'll skip and dance all the day long...  Let you servants see what you're best at- the ways you rule and bless your children. And let the loveliness of our Lord, our God, rest on us,  confirming the work that we do.  Oh, YES. Affirm the work that we do!" Psalm 90:14-17
So cheers to this new year and this new word.  Let there be rejuvenation of all the areas in life that would otherwise lie dormant and become stale. Here's to new beginnings and getting in step with my creator once again.

To Letting Go

Well, beloved reader it's official we are a two kid household. 
With one daughter still in Seattle, and one now in New York, I came home and told my boys that we could be the 4 corner family if when they graduate High School, one goes to LA and the other to Florida. 
Our youngest son Isaiah's response to that was, "Oh God... I hope not!!"  His sentimental baby heart still wishes we all lived together as one big happy family on a piece of property with all his Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. 
He's a young man-child after my own heart.
As much as I wish, like Isaiah that we could always all stay together, I knew the day would come when our monoscofab4  would all go their own separate ways.

We are half way thru that door right now, with one foot in the door of having let go, and one in the world of high school teenage boys.  I find myself peeking in on my boys a tad bit more(with loud knocks on the door of course, cause ya know there are just some things you can't un-see) and hugging them a little longer.  I have to say, that despite the emotional tug on my momma heart strings from time to time, and the obnoxious amount of text messages that I leave for my girls to Face Time me, overall I have me some of that biblical peace that "surpasses my own understanding" going on right now.   It is strange to me that I am able to be at peace with these major changes in our little family unit? For many years when they were little just the thought of this time would take my breath away, and not in a good way.  Now, here I sit and type these words about letting go, and it feels exciting, peaceful, and as it should be in a very good way.

It comes back to this...  There have been moments all throughout my faith based life where I have had to let go of what I think is the best possible outcome, and trust my creator for what will be. 
I suppose, that is in fact what faith is. 
"Now faith is the assurance of what we hope and the conviction of things not seen." 
I'm sitting here processing, and writing today listening to my friend Chris Heifners song, To Letting Go on Spotify and I'm in awe of what I'm feeling.
My mom always said, THE hardest part of parenting is the "Letting Go" stage, and although it is no walk in the park, it is strangely like the beginning stages of their lives.  It reminds me of when I would be standing over them sleeping peacefully in their bassinet watching to make sure they were breathing, and a still small voice would say, let go and trust me.    I made that choice early on that I wouldn't be the helicopter parent that never trusts their child to do ANYTHING on their own.   I chose to trust that the creator of the universe, the one that gave these precious lives to us is once again the ONLY one who will sustain their life.   It was a choice in my heart to trust our creator that He will always go with them wherever they go, and to the places that I couldn't. 
A choice to pray, instead of worry.
Like on the first day of school when they all got out of the car, I would pray God go with them, help them to be a light that shines, and protect them from what I cannot.  I hold every so tightly to prophetic words spoken over them that they would be fearless because of this faith and trust. I trust the process, trust the hand, trust that their roots go deep, and that those little baby trees that are now growing so strong and vibrant won't get knocked over by the winds of change and this crazy life.  I trust that they are each other's best friends and will come back to each other time and time again when they need to drink from the abundant well of family love and support.

"To trust .... is to know you.... it is like standing on the edge and tasting love and life, such a sacrifice from this world and all it's ways." chris heifer-letting go
I didn't think it would happen as fast as all the mommas who went before me said it was gonna go, but if I've learned anything at all these almost 21 years of parenting it's to listen to those mommas that have gone before me.
They now all tell me, "don't worry they will be back!" I believe those wise momma's, and now I would like to add to what they've said on my own momma merit, and say   to young parents reading this, it goes even FASTER than they say!!
That's not to say that I don't feel your pain young parents. I remember so well, when you are in the throws of temper tantrums, dirty diapers, sleepless nights and zombie like days where only 10 cups of coffee give you somewhat of a pulse!
Those days are so long that they sometimes run into the next 24 hrs. and feel like they go on for an eternity, BUT trust me when I say... it goes FASTER.
The days are long, the years are short, and the decades even shorter. 
I'm confident with an assurance that I know is divine that both my girls are exactly where they need to be in life right now, and I'm beyond grateful for their lives, and for their Face Time phone calls home. They are both truly, my "built in besties" and some of the most inspiring young women on planet earth. Truly... they astound me. 
I'm confident that the next 3 years with my teenage boys will go even faster than the years did with their sisters, because that's just how this train gets going.  It gains momentum with each passing station in life. These young men that still live under my roof and that I can still cherish the sounds of laughter with their buddies in the other room, are truly some stellar fellars , that I feel honored to know. I'm looking forward to these years where I'm outnumbered as the only female in the house.
I'm also confident that when Moses and I are back to where we started with just the two of us(we can make it if we try... sing it you know you want to) we will hold each others hands, hop in that VW bus and visit those 4 corners if that's where the road leads us. 

Here's to letting go and moving forward!

Questions, Comments, and Prayers (that keep me up at night)

These are the questions and some of my internal commentary that wakes me up at 2am after I have worked my body to the point of utter exhaustion and there is no other reason to be awake at 2am other than my brain just won't shut off. 

-Does a full moon really keep one awake?  There is one out tonight, and sometimes I have to wonder is this a legitimate thing? Am I a werewolf and maybe is this how the legends of werewolves started? I'm certainly hairy enough to be a werewolf now that I've let my Fall/Winter legs go. God bless Moses for loving me and my Hairy Werewolf legs!  Why is my husband never bothered by my unshaven or shaven body parts? Why am I thinking about hairy body parts?
Is it really wrong to eat pizza at 2am... well now it's 4am is this an ok time to eat? Shouldn't one eat whenever they feel hunger? Why is my body hungry at 2am? Oh, yea that's right because I only ate 1 piece of pizza at our somewhat normal dinner time tonight that was around 8p, and before that I only ate half of a baked potato that the students of McQueen baked and my "other" dad Vinnie shared with me. Man, how I love Vinnie Oakes. Is he sleeping right now I wonder? I know my own dad isn't sleeping right now.  I would call him only I don't want to wake the rest of house, and ....also he never answers his phone anyways. I love how my dad calls me all hours of the day and sometimes several times a day and leaves THE funniest voicemail messages that I save. Should I be saving all these messages? Is that why my phone is acting so Janky? Nah, it's probably the pictures that I still haven't downloaded onto my computer here at home from LAST Christmas.  I love my dad.  I love all good dads. I'm gonna miss the dads in my life when I no longer get their messages or their emails (Vinnie's emails) that I save.  Is my Uncle Bob going to be ok? God please let him be ok.  God please let him be more that ok.  God please give us all more time with Uncle Bob.  I love my Uncle Bob.  I love all my Uncles.  I'm so grateful for the good men in my life. 
Will I be able to ride this next wave of life? I love waves. I love to look at waves and have never ONCE tried to actually physically ride a wave. Is this because I'm not brave, or because I know my body and it's limits all too well? I'm seriously one of THE most uncoordinated humans on planet earth.  I can't believe I've never rode a wave. Maybe it's because I'm a native Nevadan desert girl and the only waves around here that  I could catch are in Lake Tahoe? Nah, cause I've also never skied.  Is that how you spell Ski'd ? No... skied spells the sky but... wait how come my friend spell check isn't helping me out here? Maybe my friend Spell Checky is sleeping right now? Good for you S. Checky!  Oh I see a red dotted line up there under Checky .... hmmm so YOU ARE AWAKE too Checky?  Well, now I'm talking to the computer ... evidence that one should be sleeping right now. I might delete this blog in the morning, but who really reads blogs anymore anyways?
I miss my friend Allie. I will try to call her tomorrow cause I still can. I miss my friend Christeeny... something fierce.  I can't call her tomorrow and tell her how fun it was to spend the weekend with so many elderly crafter people that truly amaze me. I wonder what you're up to right now Christene.  I feel you with me. I know you're still with me.  I hope you are hanging with the best of the best in Heaven and that unlike the Netflix show The Good Place you get to cuss up there. "Holy Mother Forking Shirt Balls!" is pretty damn fun to say though.  I embroidered that quote from that show and I know it's one that would make you laugh. It made ALOT of people laugh this weekend, and that made me smile.  That is a successful embroidered creation in my book.  There are so many quotes I want to still embroider in this life, but that is one that has already truly become a favorite. Holy Mother Forking Shirt Balls it's Late... or actually now it's early!

This is a terrible pic, but it's the only one I have on my phone ... this is what happens when you take a late night photo and text it to your friends... you cut off the "G" in Forking! Ah well ... who cares I'm gonna add it to this rant cause it makes me happy to see it again.  I should probably try to get a few more hours of shut eye before I get up and take the boys to school, but before I do I just want to say that although my head is fuzzy from sleep deprivation, my heart is full.  And, once again my favorite fall movie You've Got Mail needs to be quoted here, 

"I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. 

So goodnight, dear void"

1. 
   

Time Keeps on Slippin Slippin ... (sing it with me)

I'm learning slowly, but surely to embrace the roller coaster of life.  Every time I think I'm ok with the roller coaster of it all something comes along to jolt me back up the massive hill of life that inevitably turns into the massive drop on a roller coaster that makes me lose my stomach mid air. I tell myself to just hang on and "breathe" deep and this helps sometimes when I'm headed up the hill and I know what's on the other side.  Often times though there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, that can prepare you for that drop. So, somewhere along the way I changed my perspective about it all and decided to embrace the up hill climb as well as the inevitable, stomach loosing drop off. 

I used to fight change like it was a nasty wasp that was after my tasty meat on a beautiful picnic day. Arms flailing and a high pitched voice screaming at the damn thing to go away... such a sight to behold those who are afraid of a little bumble bee. And, WHY pray-tell do they want my meat ?
However, somewhere along the way my fear of change, my fight song toward this pesky little thing that just keeps coming at ya,  changed. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the older you get, you realize it's just not worth the energy anymore to fight the inevitable. 

This here bloggy poo used to be the place where I could come and process all the changes and get the  relentless worry out of my head and onto the screen. When I logged on today it shocked me to realize that I haven't been here, in this place to write and share for 5 months. 5 months people... that's almost a fully baked little human time!!
It seems so strange to me how fast time can fly by, and the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months, and suddenly a whole year has gone by.
 
The Steve Miller band was right... TIME truly does keep on slippin slippin into the future.  And where we spend our time and energy is that much more valuable when we get older, because let's face it... we know the clock is ticking.
I guess in retrospect 5 months between a blog post isn't SO long, but I remember the day that I was on here writing all the time.  The silence this time though,  I think is because my process to unpack things in this life may have changed some.
It used to be that my time with the outside world was limited, being that I was a stay at home mom with 4 babes, 6 years and under when I started this blog.  Now, I spend more hours away from home, and when I do finally get home to my nest it is a FREAKING MESS!!
So there's the full time job outside this place, and then the very full time job here in this place when I do get home.  Outside of that, the screen time I give to my eyes is more than I care to admit with my tiny little computer called an I Phone.  Changes in processing life and just sheer exhaustion combined with how fast time is flying by, is truly what has kept me away from you beloved reader.  The older I get the faster the time is flying by. 
Am I alone in this warped speed of roller coaster life?
I'm also trying very hard to "keep it simple" and stay in the present moment.  This came about after a very wise older grandma told me that how you slow time down is by staying in the present moment.  She looked me square in the eye and said with such piercing conviction, that if I wanted time to slow down I had the power to do so, by staying in the moment. She may as well have said to me, 
"KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID!" She was serious. She was convincing. And I listened. 
In an attempt to stay in the moment I limited my screen time and therefore this here blog collected some dust. 

Never fear though, I haven't fully given up on the bloggy poo processing, but I have rethought about what I really want it to be for me now.

What has never changed though is my love to write and place words together. 
It brings me great joy to write.  I have been writing in my old school paper journal in an attempt to simplify, but I do so love to hear the sound of 'clickety clak clickety clak 'while I type away and the thoughts in my head appear here on this screen.  I will never stop processing out loud either because I find value in community, and I know that the blog world, be it ever so strange is in fact a community. The impact of how other's online journals in the form of a blog have tremendously helped me in my journey is what keeps drawing me back here. 

There is so very much that I can and you can be spending your time on yet, you come over here to check on lil-ole' me and it blesses me beyond measure to know that you are here.  I know you are processing right along side me, and I know that like me you should be doing a long list of other things, but the value for online community runs deep within your soul as well. 
In an attempt to update those of you who still check in over here I will give you the bullet points of changes that have occurred over these past 5 months that I haven't been processing out loud.
Moses went back to construction and I am back at teaching the little people of the world. We both returned to jobs and trades that for most of our lives we have come to know and love and hopefully make a difference there.  Moses still dreams of building his own kingdom someday instead of everyone else's, and I still dream of writing children's books.  These dreams will become a reality I have no doubt of that... but in the meantime it's been really fun to watch our Fab 4's dreams come true.    Our oldest daughter Emma is still living up in Seattle in that tiny little cabin in the woods that we called home for 4 years. From the moment we moved back to Reno she couldn't wait to get back up to the PNW where she feels her heart is home. She's adult-ing hardcore and I couldn't be more proud of her.  Our second oldest daughter graduated high school in June and applied to her dream school that just happens to be in New York.  She got in ... and if all goes as planned she will soar out of here and to the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park, New York.
So come January, we will have one daughter in Seattle and one in New York.
Whose idea was it to raise independent children who grow up and turn into  happy and healthy humans ready to take on the world with out dear ole' mom and dad by their side?
Our oldest son Solomon just started his first upper classman year of High School and is really enjoying learning to speak German for the second year.  Our youngest child Isaiah graduated Jr. High and is now a Freshman in High School. My sister Jenny and her hubs James have adopted my new lil Nevaeh Bear niece and our big clan is all the more joyful. My brother Greg and wife Tanya will add another wee one in December to this over the top with JOY big clan.  One of my besties turned 40 and got preggers with her fourth baby on the way in September.
And it's been over a year since one of my beloved sisters Christine has not walked this planet.  I miss her hugs most of all. 

There it is beloved reader... my 5 months in a nutshell (help I'm in a nutshell and I can't get out!)
Life is a wild ride.  I'm working hard to keep it simple, breathe deep, and process out loud in the hopes that it will help myself and others.  Peace out... I'm off now to "Fly like an Eagle and let my Spirit carry me" or something like that.